Grief is the journey that begins when the leaf falls off the tree and you discover that you are the leaf.
All your life you have been nourished by loved ones lived in a society where you were needed, wanted and or at the least acknowledged.
As you fall from the tree you are suddenly released of all the love and nurturing ties that you had with the tree……….and if you fall in the river underneath you are borne away by the currents farther and farther away from the loved one. Parting in this manner is such sorrow that there is no sweetness in it.
Most people envision grief to be the other way around. When someone you love goes away and you are left to mourn them surrounded by all those that are still there to give you succour and solace, you are not the one who left, and yet that is farthest from the truth as can be.
Grief is a solitary journey. When a calamity separates you not only from the one you loved who died or moved away but it does so also from all that is familiar and known. Grief colors your vision and sets you to sail on the currents of the river over which you have no control.
Like a fallen leaf, you try to cling to the reeds of memories and relationships but the relentless passage of time like the forward movement of water disentangles you from all that was once familiar and takes you on a journey that you neither planned for nor have any idea where it will end or if it will ever end.
I am on such a journey.
I am the leaf wrenched from the tree and on the water of time being taken away relentlessly further and further away into realms where people do not know my past.
They ask me: ” how many children do you have?” I hesitate and then I say “one daughter” and they say “ooh an only child?” and I pause…………..yes I guess she is an only child now with the memory of being a sister to a loving brother, but the water pushes me on and I have no time to explain that she is not or was not always an only child……..
It is when you are on the river of grief like a leaf without a will or direction that you eventually realize that everything that is happening to this leaf is not by chance. It is only then when you are freed of all your bonds, your future is nebulous and you have no past and no vision of the future that you begin to live one moment at a time, and appreciate it if it goes by without pain.
You begin to thank your Protector that you have not smashed into the rocks nor have you anchored anywhere on the way which was painful.
You are still on the river of grief………..and somewhere someone is taking care of you and it isn’t any of those that you thought would when you were anchored to your tree of life.
As the days becomes months and they turn into years and you float, sometimes go over a some rapids and are shaken by the experience but are thankful to have survived. You begin to realize that there is no turning back, not that you ever had the option to do so.
You realize that the force that is looking after you is closer to you than your jugular vein and if you cry out, it echoes back your sorrow with a more hollow and empathic sound than the one you sent out, You notice that the water becomes gentler and the winds calmer………..none of this is random, Ya Lateef!.
The detachment from the love of this world and those who dwell in it was enforced. Now I as the leaf on the sea of grief being borne forward to an unknown destination have to decide whom to love?
All my love bonds are gone, either broken, or changed with the distance and my state of isolation of being a wanton less leaf on the river of grief.
Whom to call for? And whom to expect a favor from?
Very soon it will become apparent that the one who is caring for me in this void is the one who loves me the most…………….Does He The Almighty, The Guider and The Compassionate not deserve my love? And if so how do I show it, when I do not even seem to be the master of my boat leave alone my destiny!