It is a truly serene evening; the ripples in the river are minimal, on the other bank a Canada geese calls out for its ducklings. Slowly out of the far away club the sound of music floats out and mixes indelibly with the melancholy of the evening.
All Dreams are now behind in the twilight of my life. All I see is the dark red earth of Georgia waiting to receive me and embrace me for good.
I walk beside the river and wonder what happened to my dreams……… dreams of serenity, peace, love, connection and companionship?
Somewhere along the way I lost it all. Although there was recognition that the path was wrong, I even wrote about it but did not take action to get myself out of the quicksand of toxicity.
Once again in the twilight of my life I am faced with toxicity. This time it bubbles from the mosque, the seven million dollar monstrosity which calls out to the wayfarer like the lady of the night in red “ come look at me” instead of “come worship here I will give you sanctuary”
The analytical side of my brain has already listed the many reasons why barakah has been lifted from the precincts of this mosque, but like my old self I don’t want to believe it and want to keep going there. I am reminded of my youngest brothers quote” the outcome does not change if you keep on doing the same action”
The mosque has always been my anchor, sort of the rope attached to the boat, which I sometimes cling to when I go diving in the deep. I am afraid to let it go in case I get lost in this la Deen world and don’t have a reference point to go to.
However my spiritual side continuously nudges me to walk away and taste the spirituality of Deen elsewhere. However the rightist programming of the mind is so strong that the fear of innovation sits deep and holds the reins to any attempt on my part to grow spiritually and cut the cord with the mosque. My spirit is held hostage to the acts of faith, and their interpretations by the concrete minds of some people of Deen, who have ilm but don’t have a heart.
The front rows of people in Salah are supposed to be the best, not these ones. They bicker and shout and sometimes walk out in the middle of a hadith being recited, they seem to be unaware that they are making a statement of protest when they walk out on Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) words….
When they are not doing that they are hatching plans in social circles to figure out how to show up the Imam on his knowledge, or hiring menial help to spy on him to find a problem with his work. I wonder how one can dig out the gold of knowledge of Deen in such an environment?
It almost seems that some of the front row people do not want others to come and learn from a learned Imam, it almost seems that they want a rudderless mosque where there is no one to turn to and inquire about the real truth of the Quran and Sunnah. Can one really want Jahilliya to come back to the muslims?”
How can Muslims who pray in the first row actually want the mosque to be rudderless? Even in the depth of egotistic fantasy of controlling everyone and everything in the mosque how would they justify even in the convoluted reasoning of their mind that bringing an uneducated lout who mouths of concrete laws and “ throws out people if they do not toe the line” using innovation as an excuse would work?
Listening to the tafsir of Surah Nisa I realize that a large part of this surah is dedicated to the behavior , recognition and interaction with the hypocrites, which were the bane of the Muslims existence. I ponder if right here in our masjed this may be a reason for the behavior of some.
Abdulla bin Ubbay used to be in the front row ever day in the Prophets mosque and he would actually call to people to follow the Prophets Khutbah, and yet he was a hypocrite, a man who said one thing but his words were denied by his actions. His was the most maligned station named “Munafiq” with Allah, and a final destination in the seventh layer of a roaring pit of Fire.
Toxicity leaches out of each brick of this mosque, and I think of all the monies and prayers my family, friends and I put into it, hoping it will be a spiritual legacy and sanctuary for our grandchildren and the realization of the dream of their uncle.
By the time salah ends, and bickering begins, I am feeling physically sick……..
Would you say it is time to leave and not return?