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It is a truly serene evening; the ripples in the river are minimal, on the other bank a Canada geese calls out for its ducklings. Slowly out of the far away club the sound of music floats out and mixes indelibly with the melancholy of the evening.

All Dreams are now behind in the twilight of my life. All I see is the dark red earth of Georgia waiting to receive me and embrace me for good.

I walk beside the river and wonder what happened to my dreams……… dreams of serenity, peace, love, connection and companionship?

Somewhere along the way I lost it all. Although there was recognition that the path was wrong, I even wrote about it but did not take action to get myself out of the quicksand of toxicity.

Once again in the twilight of my life I am faced with toxicity. This time it bubbles from the mosque, the seven million dollar monstrosity which calls out to the wayfarer like the lady of the night in red “ come look at me” instead of “come worship here I will give you sanctuary”

The analytical side of my brain has already listed the many reasons why barakah has been lifted from the precincts of this mosque, but like my old self I don’t want to believe it and want to keep going there. I am reminded of my youngest brothers quote” the outcome does not change if you keep on doing the same action”

The mosque has always been my anchor, sort of the rope attached to the boat, which I sometimes cling to when I go diving in the deep. I am afraid to let it go in case I get lost in this la Deen world and don’t have a reference point to go to.

However my spiritual side continuously nudges me to walk away and taste the spirituality of Deen elsewhere. However the rightist programming of the mind is so strong that the fear of innovation sits deep and holds the reins to any attempt on my part to grow spiritually and cut the cord with the mosque. My spirit is held hostage to the acts of faith, and their interpretations by the concrete minds of some people of Deen, who have ilm but don’t have a heart.

The front rows of people in Salah are supposed to be the best, not these ones. They bicker and shout and sometimes walk out in the middle of a hadith being recited, they seem to be unaware that they are making a statement of protest when they walk out on Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) words….

When they are not doing that they are hatching plans in social circles to figure out how to show up the Imam on his knowledge, or hiring menial help to spy on him to find a problem with his work. I wonder how one can dig out the gold of knowledge of Deen in such an environment?

It almost seems that some of the front row people do not want others to come and learn from a learned Imam, it almost seems that they want a rudderless mosque where there is no one to turn to and inquire about the real truth of the Quran and Sunnah. Can one really want Jahilliya to come back to the muslims?”

How can Muslims who pray in the first row actually want the mosque to be rudderless? Even in the depth of egotistic fantasy of controlling everyone and everything in the mosque how would they justify even in the convoluted reasoning of their mind that bringing an uneducated lout who mouths of concrete laws and “ throws out people if they do not toe the line” using innovation as an excuse would work?

Listening to the tafsir of Surah Nisa I realize that a large part of this surah is dedicated to the behavior , recognition and interaction with the hypocrites, which were the bane of the Muslims existence. I ponder if right here in our masjed this may be a reason for the behavior of some.

Abdulla bin Ubbay used to be in the front row ever day in the Prophets mosque and he would actually call to people to follow the Prophets Khutbah, and yet he was a hypocrite, a man who said one thing but his words were denied by his actions. His was the most maligned station named “Munafiq” with Allah, and a final destination in the seventh layer of a roaring pit of Fire.

Toxicity leaches out of each brick of this mosque, and I think of all the monies and prayers my family, friends and I put into it, hoping it will be a spiritual legacy and sanctuary for our grandchildren and the realization of the dream of their uncle.

By the time salah ends, and bickering begins, I am feeling physically sick……..

Would you say it is time to leave and not return?

10 thoughts on “IN THE TWILIGHT…………

  1. Dear Sister
    I was a little saddened by your post. All these years I have depended on your blog to give me solace and to help me in the right direction. But today I noticed a small wavering in your resolve. Forgive me for saying this.
    This brings me to my opinion regarding mosque and the deen. I don’t know about other countries, but in Bangladesh, being religious or going to the mosque or participating in religious activities have become more of a fashion statement then actual way of life. Otherwise,how can you explain the fact that on Jumma days, roads have to be closed off as devotees spill over from the mosque, but on other days, not even the first row is full. Newer and bigger mosques are being built, but we are the 4th most corrupted nation in the world. So I have formed by own communication with Him. It may sound abnormal but I talk to Him all day. About everything. Starting from the time when I make an incision for surgery to the time when I am feeding my baby daughter. It’s a monologue, but I feel comfortable and at ease when I have expressed myself. After Nabeel’s death, I used despair when I missed a certain part of the ebadat but now I feel I am more at ease with Him.
    I apologise if I have sounded pompous, but its the truth.
    So if you give me the liberty, I would say, don’t go to the place where you are not comfortable. Do what your mind tells you.
    And of course continue to write so that unfortunate people like me get some solace and inspiration.
    Your brother Anis


    • Walaikum asalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu brother Anis.
      The problem is the ego, if it is not tamed and harnessed it doesn’t matter what one does, i.e an act of ebadah sadaqa or work is wasted as it is being done to feed the ego.
      I too talk to Allah and he answers as in what happens if I am observing carefully, sometimes he makes me fall to stop me from running towards a direction which is not good for me or I am not ready for it.
      You are close to God my brother if your remember him all day and he is an active part of your daily life.
      Please keep me in your duas.


  2. I guess human beings are human beings and they act in similarly disappointing ways no matter what the context and setting.

    I’m very taken by the Buddhist philosophy of trying to hold on to your compassion & kindness despite the acts of others. I often fail.

    Nonetheless I find the following inspiring:

    It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell – Buddha


  3. Don’t worry about what others do, be concerned for your own self. One is alone in the grave and on the day of judgement. Spend time with the righteous in the world and In’sha’Allah you will be raised with them. Surah Hijr verse 47. When your opinion is sought give it freely and without fear; truthfully. Till then remain silent. If asked to judge, do so with haqq. In’sha’Allah Allama Iqbal: Tu Samajhta Hai Ye Saman Hai Dil Aazari Ka Imtihan Hai Tere Isaar Ka, Khud-Dari Ka

    Sent from my iPhone



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