It was a week of exhaustion, mental emotional and physical. Organizationally I was in disarray. As Friday evening arrived and began to depart, I hurriedly recited the first twenty ayahs of Surah Al Kahf and then fell into a strange state. While waiting for Maghrib salah, I felt that the sun had stopped in its progress and Maghrib was unattainable, just like all else.
It had been a strange Friday where I felt a continuation of the feeling that I was spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.
The Friday salah came, then in the khutbah we were encouraged to reach out to others and invite them to this Deen. The afternoon followed with news of a colleague who is struggling with the death of one child and a serious and unusual illness in the other.
In the heat of the early evening, I proceeded to the cemetery; I had not been there in a while…….
The tree under which Ammi had been buried had succumbed to a stroke of lightning and had been removed and the large flowerpot of silk flowers that my brother had left on the stump had disappeared with the stump.
The sun shone with all its intensity of 95 degrees on the grass and the unmarked grave of my mother. I did not feel angry anymore that there was no marker but in my studies of the ethics of burial had discovered that there is no need for one.
I then moved to the children’s graves, the grass had grown around their markers, it seemed that they had been there for centuries. It was a strange feeling of timelessness, not of sadness nor of fear nor grief but of a certainty that nothing comes to us and nothing is taken from us by our will. The shapes of our lives are in the hands of The Shaper Himself.
By the time I got back, I was drained and while waiting for Maghrib I supplicated to Him………..I am tired I said, tired of myself and powerless to change my destiny my feelings, my ways, my Nafs and the quality of my salah. I seem to be making no progress; I am so tired that I know with a certainty that nothing is in my hands that I can change nothing so………….I asked Him, to tell me what He wants me to do and laid it down all in front of him.
While in prostration before Maghrib……….I fell asleep!
What seemed like long afterwards I awoke to a late Maghrib and then Isha salah, and was too resigned even to feel bad, because I felt I had no volition, a leaf in the currents of the river with no steering power. I fell asleep again putting myself in His hands, neither happy with myself, nor angry but resigned in submission to Him.
I awoke in the morning with the thought that I must get all the work done at the office to get a jump start on Monday and as I was cleaning and culling the gifts began to arrive.
By the afternoon, three of my dearest friends had called, and speaking with them was like sitting in the fresh spray of the waterfalls of Iguazu, in Argentina.
As lunch time approached the thought of eating passed through my head, but I did not want to break the rhythm of cleaning my desk just to fix some food………………….and then another of my dear friends called to share freshly made parathas and raita, another gift of love and friendship. We sat at the cool table with the afternoon sun blazing outside and spoke of our children who have passed and those who are with us and then it was time to go to tea with another beautiful and spiritual friend.
As I entered her house I could feel the purifying effect of the Dhikr she does day and night and the coolness and peace of the atmosphere in her house bespeaks of an atmosphere drenched with spirituality and the Mercy of Allah.
Thus have been the blessings of today after I laid down my control, and gave myself in submission to my Creator this one night. I just cannot imagine the nature of the blessings I would receive if I could do it every day! Submit in loving submission.
Please make dua for me……..