People have always said that it would help and offered substitution. I have never looked for substitution, nor have I actively rejected it.
Sometimes young men like Tariq came my way and sometimes in them, I noted a familiar trait, honesty or a connection with him, which brought the thought of substitution. I knew even then though I did not overtly oppose it, that there could never be a substitution.
Sometimes my intellectual common sense told me that I must substitute, just to bring temporary relief to my heart, to remain alive, to not drown in my sorrow, but even in those moments I knew subconsciously that it would not be authentic. At some higher level I knew that as I have let go of the fragrance of my son, I could never substitute it with another.
Each child, nay each person has his or her own place in this world, unique not only by the pattern of his or her fingerprints but by their imprint on the wind on this earth. When they leave, there is a void in the atmosphere that can never be filled by another, no matter how hard we try, wish, desire want and will………..or not.
There can be no substitution. The son of another woman can never be mine, and so be it! I am relieved that I can face up to myself that it is not rejection, but okay not to want a substitute.
I had the real one even though only for nineteen years, it was the best that Allah Subhanawataala could have given me. I am grateful for those lovely years with him……….No substitution could ever make up for that.
Please keep me in your prayers.