TRANSLATED FROM A LECTURE BY DR. FARHAT HASHMI: http://www.farhathashmi.com/dn/ChildrenUpbringing.aspx
STARTING POINT: POSITION ALLAH & HIS RASOOL IN OUR LIFE AND IN OUR FAMILY LIFE
وَأَطِيعُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَأَطِيعُواْ ٱلرَّسُولَۚ فَإِن تَوَلَّيۡتُمۡ فَإِنَّمَا عَلَىٰ رَسُولِنَا ٱلۡبَلَـٰغُ ٱلۡمُبِينُ (١٢)
Obey Allâh, and obey the Messenger (Muhammad SAW), but if you turn away, then the duty of Our Messenger is only to convey (the Message) clearly. (12)
If we desire a change in our family life and a positive effect on our children then we must actively focus our attention on Allah as the pivotal point in our life, in our daily actions and overtly and happily (Taa’a) demonstratively be obedient to Allah and His Rasool:
How do we do that?
1. ANSWER THE CALL FROM ALLAH FOR SUCCESS
Heed the words of the Adhaan five times a day: Come to salah and come to falah (your betterment) At this point the men in the house must answer this call towards success. Thus the men of the house must drop everything they are doing and head towards the mosque. They must be alert, engaged and focused on why they are going. They must remind themselves that they are going to heed the call of success (Hiyya alal falah).
2. OBEY THE RASOOL:
Understand that this commandment is from Allah
Do all daily actions as per the commandment of Allah, this is then an Ibadah. Your children are watching your actions.
When you are in a dilemma then consult Allah first (Istikharah) and then ask experts in the field, not vice versa, because Allah will send instructions and advice through people if we have asked him before asking people.
ٱللَّهُ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَۚ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلۡيَتَوَڪَّلِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ (١٣)
Allâh! Lâ ilâha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), And in Allâh (Alone), therefore, let the believers put their trust. (13)
Momins should have complete trust in Allah. How do we do that?
Soemtimes when things go well for us we take the credit and sometimes even with the same leverl of effort, things do not go well. Thus it is best to actively struggle for what we need to do and then put our trust in Allah as to the outcome.
Why have we been asked to have tawakkul in raising children?
Children are not like land, where we can dig anything and plant anything when ever we want and expect to reap something.
Children are not like land and do not respond predictively, thus one has to make the most effort with our child and then trust Allah to take care of the results in your chilld.
Do not become a God for your child in directing everything in their life and then expecting results as ordered. Be a parent to your children not a God.
Trust in God does not mean that one lays back and does nothing, but that one should make max effort and trust in God for the outcome, even if it is not what we expected.
This gives the parent sweetness unlike those parents who have no tawakkul and want immediate results and those results that we want.
Children do not learn from lectures, they learn from what we do.
First Seven years give love
Second Seven years give discipline
Next seven years become a friend (teenage)
After that let them live with minimal interference. (After marriage having jobs, is independent)
يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ إِنَّ مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَـٰدِڪُمۡ عَدُوًّ۬ا لَّڪُمۡ فَٱحۡذَرُوهُمۡۚ وَإِن تَعۡفُواْ وَتَصۡفَحُواْ وَتَغۡفِرُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَفُورٌ۬ رَّحِيمٌ (١٤)
O you who believe! Verily, among your wives (spouses) and your children are your enemies (who may stop you from the obedience of Allâh), therefore beware of them! But if you pardon (them) and overlook, and forgive (their faults), then verily, Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (14)
Sometimes children and spouses do everything for us……….sometimes that kind of love may keep us away from Allah and his path. Sometimes the one who loves us does not tell us that we are making mistakes and going away from Allah.
How are we sometimes enemies for our children?
At seven we are supposed to tell our children to make salah, but what do we do?
We make excuses:
He is tired, let him sleep,
He has a lot of homework he can’t go to the mosque
He is just a kid he can pray later
Sometimes children become the source of infighting between parents.
Those that you are looking at with love, he or she (your child or your spouse) may be an enemy.
Allah Subhanawataala warns us to “be careful, and to be aware, vigilant” that our love for our children and our spouses may cause us to deviate from the path of Allah.
It is possible that your children and your spouse may become a thorn on your side, but forgive them, overlook their infractions, ignore the difficulties. Allah Subhanawataala uses all three words of forgiveness to describe how to behave with your spouse and children.
Surah Munafiqoon (paraphrased meaning) : O believers your wealth and children should not cause you to leave your Dhikr of Allah; if you do so you will be the loser.
Your spouses and your children are fitna……….
We want them to be our slaves to our pleasure, this is not possible.
What is fitna?
Excess love may also be a fitna.
They are difficult, they cry and we delay our prayer, they have to be driven to soccer practice or a class, and we lose our maghrib prayer and so do they.
They take us away from our ibadah and obedience from Allah
Wealth is also fitna
6. STAY CONNECTED: Keep listening and be obedient to Allah and his Rasool.’
This will make us calm, serene & patient and thus will reflect on our children.
7. SPEND /SADAQA
فَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ مَا ٱسۡتَطَعۡتُمۡ وَٱسۡمَعُواْ وَأَطِيعُواْ وَأَنفِقُواْ خَيۡرً۬ا لِّأَنفُسِڪُمۡۗ وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفۡسِهِۦ فَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمُ ٱلۡمُفۡلِحُونَ (١٦)
So keep your duty to Allâh and fear Him as much as you can; listen and obey; and spend in charity that is better for yourselves. And whosoever is saved from his own covetousness, and then they are the successful ones. (16)
Continuously spend on others, not just on your own children.
Mothers will always buy the best for their children; try to buy an equivalent for a needy child.
What ever your child is not doing, (no eating, does not like anything to wear, does not study) do that for some other needy child, and your child will start doing that.
Thus invest also in the children in the environment, as eventually those children will become the company of our children, thus do good not only for your children but also those that your child come in contact with.
Allah Subhanawataala says that if you help Him (his people) he will help you.
All that you spend will come back to benefit you in many ways.
8 GIVE A LOAN TO ALLAH
إِن تُقۡرِضُواْ ٱللَّهَ قَرۡضًا حَسَنً۬ا يُضَـٰعِفۡهُ لَكُمۡ وَيَغۡفِرۡ لَكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ شَكُورٌ حَلِيمٌ (١٧)
If you lend Allâh a goodly loan (i.e. spend in Allâh’s Cause) He will double it for you, and will forgive you. And Allâh is Most Ready to appreciate and to reward, Most Forbearing, (17)
When you serve and spend in the path of Allah, i.e. buy a book, a CD of Deen, take another child on a trip, or do something for other people’s children, it is like giving a loan to Allah which shall be repaid manifold in Akirah.
Sadaqa washes our past mistakes.
Allah and His Rasool should be the standard of our children rather than us as parents.
Parents should never lie so that a Momin is differentiated from the munafiq and the children will instinctively recognize this.