Ya Illahi I praise you, revere you and glorify you in all Your Magnificence. I acknowledge and admire your Asmaa al Sifaat, even though I understand that I will probably never fully realize all your Creative actions and abilities and thus I remain always inadequate in my gratitude to your Beneficence.
I have always had a very intimate relationship with you ever since I can remember. As a child I knew instinctively that no harm could come to me that you in your infinite power could not correct, prevent or heal, and that has stayed with me in my adult years.
Ya Ilahi…. I have been negligent in some ways, ignorant in many and tardy or absent in others. You know all of them and you have truly been patient with me. You have given me many small warnings but I have gradually drifted to a state where I took them as accidents or a result of my inaptitude, or further more the result of my deficiencies in completing my worldly tasks. You have accepted all and still smiled upon me benevolently.
However after fifty five years of Patience you have tried me with turning my world as I know it upside down, shaking me to release the useless objects I carry and gently dusting me down to release the dirt hidden inside me.
I am still swinging upside down from your Hands (May you be exalted from any human metaphors) and find myself looking at the world with a new perspective.
You are also removing one by one my emotional and security rocks and trees that I used to lean on and find shade in, teaching me to stand up in Istiqamah on my own as I will have to on the Day of Judgment.
Ya Ilahi.. I have to say that I have found courage and strength to do so and I know fully that you and only you awarded this to me.
However I am like a child who cries when separated from her security blanket or from a toy she loves………… and sometimes I open my mouth to pray and ask you to fix my blanket or give me back my cherished toy and then I close it with words unsaid.
Ya Ilahi.…. I have lived a magical life, where you have taken me from being an ordinary person to a very special person, while giving me so many bounties and showing me so many of your naimahs that are uncountable, and for which I can never show enough gratitude even if I was in salah twenty four- seven.
Ya Ilahi.…… You have taken me to twenty-six different countries on this globe and shown me your creation of diversity in people, places and things. You have demonstrated your Siffat to me again and again in action, leaving me rooted, elated and speechless every time.
As I enter another phase of my life, I find that you have some more plans to free me from my worldly attachments and to teach me to stand on my feet in Istiqamah. At this juncture I find myself wavering for all the wrong reasons and making excuses………but in the final analysis I have to admit I am weak, weak weak!
Ya Ilahi.…… You know all my weaknesses well and you also want me to fix them, thus the classes in Tawheed, the daily tafseer of the Quran, the weekly visits to the Masjed for Tajweed and the Spiritual retreats to discipline the Self, are all means you are sending my way to assist me to ready myself for the last burst in this marathon of life.
I am looking at my feet before they take the next step out of the luxury I stand in, towards perhaps poverty and insecurity and I find them static. I find myself battling with the idea: is this kufraan e naimah to throw away all I have (wordly wise) and move on to a simple living? Or is it the next step towards You?
Ya Ilahi……… I have not had an answer from you that I can decipher while being laden with the layers of indecision. No clear event has come through to tell me that it is time to make a change and that the change will be better for my Deen, dunya and Akhirah.
I am then reminded that nothing happens without your will, and those are moments that I relax and take myself off the time clock for action. I am reminded of Qadaa WA al Qadaar and I take myself off the timetable for the efforts for dunya. I am reminded of the sweetness of Dhikr and I excuse myself from dunya.
However my surroundings, the people around me and my inner guilt at not fulfilling my worldly duties to people, relatives, family, friends, etc rudely shake me, and the cycle begins again.
Ya Ilahi.………. I have not found the perfect balance as my colleagues tell me “between Deen and dunya” for me it becomes all or none.
Ya Ilahi …. there are many many things I could ask you for, but at this juncture I am not even sure whether what I ask for is beneficial to me in the Akirah or not so my duas have become simple not because I do not want more from you but because I am no longer sure that what I seem to want is what will get me into the Gardens of Jannah.
I find it hard to envision Jannah; it just does not appear to me in any form, I need you to help me in that respect. I do not envision Naar, because even the mention of it scares me to the point of paralysis. Thus in order for me to remain active in my Deen I have to not envision Naar in too much detail.
Ya Ilahi…….. I pray that you will forgive me for the liberties of speech that I have taken with you; they mean no disrespect, as you well know.
Ya Ilahi.…….. I realize I am traveling, towards the end, I pray that you give me a burst of energy to reach my end in a format that is acceptable in Jannah in the company of Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him.
Aapki rehmat ki khuwahish mand Khadima,