Inspired by a halaqa on TAWHEED by Dr. H.Younis (May Allah bless her, protect her and give her the very best that the world can offer and in the Akirah may she be under the wing of His Subhanawataala’s mercy. Ameen)
I am on the path, the path of siraat e mustaqeem, it is truly straight thrown like a ribbon reaching far into the horizon, where I cannot see, but firmly believe is the promised Gardens of Jannat ul Firdous.
Why am I on it and what is my goal?
Many people laugh at me that the carrot and stick approach of Jannah and Naar is working on me. To them and to me when the little suspicions of dissent raise their heads I say……..I am a simplistic person the promise of jannah and the protection from Naar suffice. Specifically after listening to the tafseer of Surah Zumar, which is replete in detail with the descriptions of both.
…Coming back to the path,
the hadith says, the path is lined with a wall in which there are many doors…..each door leads to elsewhere, I do not know where because each door has a curtain on it,
but one thing I know that these doors do not lead to the Gardens of Jannat ul Firdous.
This is where I waver, I pause at each door, sometimes beguiled by the mystery of what is behind it or sometimes just plain curiosity, I know that if I cross the threshold, I will be lost as I was in the past in its many ramifications and enticements.
The door that holds me at its threshold longest in a state of indecisiveness is the door of obligations to my family, especially my immediate family, and my need for them. I am torn with the need not only to fulfill my obligations but to get their love in return…….I want it, I hunger for it, and here I find myself weak, lingering at this door wanting a love other than Allah’s.
What can I say or do to move on? and if I do will that be selfish?
The hadith says that on the path is someone who calls to me and entreats me intellectually and to my heart with signs and proofs, not to go through these doors but to come to him, to keep on the path, this is the Quran!
For me this is true, every morning when I sit down to listen to the tafseer of the Quran on alhudapk.com by Dr. Farhat Hashmi, may Allah bless her and protect her; I am energized to continue on the path.
The day I do not, I am filled with doubt whether I am doing my duty whether things are going wrong in my relationships with family because I am not fulfilling my obligations that perhaps I am using the time spent in the study of the Quran as an excuse to shirk my responsibilities.
Perhaps I have changed too rapidly, that maybe I need to slow down and do what I was doing all these years and be more pleasing to people around me…………and on and on…………..the doubts assail me.
Why can’t I do both? Someone asks me. Because, I answer, I hung up my superwoman cloak and I don’t want to don it again because it is too burdensome and distracting and exhausting and does not leave me time and energy to reflect.
I find myself rapidly approaching the fork in the road, where I will have to choose between my old self and my new self permanently.
Why am I even hesitant about my new self? After all my new self is on the path of Siraat e Mustaqeem, what could possibly be wrong with that?
My new self has names from the people closest to me they range from “self righteous”, “rigid”, “not fun”, not interested in fulfilling my obligations, not fulfilling my role in the family, not present in dunya functions, not keeping deen and dunya both in my life and on and on………….it goes.
My old self was appealing to my old relationships, they are comfortable with it, and liked the flexibility my being there for everyone all the time, asking nothing in return except their acceptance.
I see myself approaching the crossroads very rapidly, and I regretfully admit I am ambivalent about my choice, for I find myself weak to push forward on the Siraat e mustaqeem. It appears to me personally as a long lonely road with predators ready to attack me.
Do I try to go back to my old self some to get support, or continue on with my new self on the siraat e mustaqeem, even though it may be lonely and devoid of support, love and affection from my current dunya relations.
I am almost grinding to a standstill, because I find myself incapable of making a decision at this point.
Perhaps the curtain in front of which I am standing will become an iron door and I will be forced to carry on the path, perhaps the curtain will open and the memories of the past will lure me to cross the threshold, perhaps my anger and my frustration with the past will keep me from entering and I will continue on the path with a heart filled with hate, anger and disappointments.
The hadith says; On this path is a caller which says don’t go through these doors…………..this caller is our heart.
Here is where the time crunch comes in………..my heart can only guide me on the path if it is cleared of all ill feelings and diseases of Bughaz, hasad, riya, gharoor, kibr, ujub, ghadhab, etc, and this needs time……………
Time which I do not have because I see the cross roads approaching in front of me and soon I will have to choose either to pick up my feet and follow my lonely trek on the Siraat e mustaqeem, or enter the door of my old life and I find myself stalled……………
Please keep me in your prayers that I find the right directional energy for decision making and then following through………