Remembering the loss of your grandson…………….
In remembering your grandson who died at two months of age, and that he would have been seventeen years old, makes you sad, as it does me
The sadness of loss may be mixed with the feeling of loss that you are not leaving any inheritors or do not have any grandchildren to love and miss the one you lost, or perhaps you ache for your daughter’s pain.
It is most likely that what you read here you know in your heart as well, I am just verbalizing it and placing it in front of you simply……….I apologize in advance if anything in this letter offends your or hurts you, because that is certainly not the intent of this letter. The intent is to share with you what has helped me in grief and loss.
All of these feelings of sadness on our loss is true ,natural and normal for us to experience as a human being in these circumstances. Allah Subhanawataala made us compassionate loving beings.
There are three ways to help ourselves when in grief and huzn resulting in Sabr:
1. Lay it in front of Him
2. Fulfill huqooq el ebad Fi SabilAllah with no expectations of return
3. Tazkiyah tun Nafs to free our spirit to live a Hayaat at Tayyaba
I. LAY IT IN FRONT OF HIM (SUBHANAWATAALA)
The best method in my humble opinion of contemplating sadness and selecting an action for it is not to shelve it or ignore it. Nor is it advantageous to pretend like it does not bother us, but to acknowledge it, cry about it and feel the loss……………the only qualifier is………………. to do it in Salaah, in front of Him (Subhanawataala).
He gives the best answers in the form of opportunities for action, to bear the calamity, the sadness, and the huzn with sabr.
He Subhanawataala does not question our sadness, nor does He frown upon our expression of it. He knows well our fallibility and our need for human love, kindness, and compassion in substance and in thought.
After you have expressed your sadness to Allah Subhanawataala, ask Him to help you, guide you and to make you a better ebaad, to give you the strength to bear the sorrow while acknowledging His wisdom in giving this sorrow to you and accepting it as His allocation to you.
Having done that, rise from the Musallah and be sensitive and vigilant as to what happens around you, because He will send people, opportunities, events, and circumstances into your life from unexpected quarters that will bring you closer to Him, while providing you a panacea for your pain and loss.
Do not for one moment after you have made the Dua to ask Him for help, think that anything is happening randomly.
He is sending help…………..in ways that may be unconventional, and from unexpected sources. So if they are halal and are within the boundaries of the Quran and Sunnah accept them and go with them, and you will feel the exhilaration of being with Him (Subhanawataala), and you will literally feel Him closer to you than your Jugular vein.
II. FUFLILLING THE HUQOOQ AL EBAAD OF PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU
Sometimes people who are supposed to be closest in relationship to you in love, will hurt you the most, and sometimes go out of their way to vilify you, stomp on your feelings, denigrate your beliefs and ethics and accuse you of not doing your duty as a father, mother, husband, wife, child etc, wherever you stand in these relationships
At such times it is good to step back and take stock of your actions in the light of the definitions of “huqooq el ebaad” as outlined in Surah Baqarah and endeavor to fulfill these huqooq sincerely, without judgment and to the best of your ability Fi sabillallah. No more and no less, and without desire of recompense except from Allah Subhanawataala.
This part is the hardest as it comes with the haunting memories of the past, imprinted with pain and sadness, which may be filled with wrongs and hurts done to us, bythe very people to whom we have been asked to fulfill the huqooq al ebaad.
Thus here we may hesitate to fulfill what is in Surah Baqarah regarding the huqooq al ebaad, this hesitation may stem from the events in the past and our role in it
This hesitation may also come from how we feel about the “ebaad” whose huqooq we have to fulfill and sometimes, one wants to delay or write off the process in view of the past or due to the Godless atheistic, agnostic or other philosophies that these ebaad may be following.
This is a moment of self-reckoning. Who are we doing this for and why?
Why are we fulfilling our haqooq al ebaad even though each step is like drinking a bitter draught. A reminder that this is a command from Allah Subhanawataala and not an optional test helps.
So how do we drink this bitter draught and survive?
III. PRACTICING TAZKIYAH TUN NAFS, GOAL: HAYAAT AT TAYYABA
This is where disciplining oneself with Tazkiyah tun Nafs come to the rescue.
For it is the Nafs or “Ana” as Ammi used to call it that needs to be tamed. It is the Nafs that creates a wall because “it” has been offended and does not want to do anything for these “ebaad”. There is also the aspect of being hurt again, if one gets involved.
This is where one has to remind oneself that a heart that is filled with others has no place left for Allah Subhanawataala. This is the time to put our relationships in perspective, such that we fulfill our obligations but keep our heart open, light and filled with the Noor of Allah.
I usually remind myself repeatedly that I can do this Fi SabillAllah and am not doing this to get any benefit from these “ebaad” nor look for a reciprocation of my kindness and duty to them.
Tazkiya tun Nafs is an amazing method taught by our Prophet Muhammad Peace and blessings upon him through every act of his life.
Tazkiyah tun Nafs can be done and I am summarizing it loosely as you know it well:……. with Nafil fasts on Monday and Thursdays and the three white nights each month, lots of Dhikr, less talking then needed, less sleeping then needed, and less intermingling………..till the Nafs is small and obedient to us. This frees the spiritual essence placed in our fitra by Allah Subhanawataala from the terrorizing confines of the Nafs.
When our Malaiki or spiritual essence is free to expand as light expands when the source is uncovered, our heart, mind and body are illumined with the ilm and action of what pleases Allah and this light as it emanates out of us, then nurtures the seeds of emaan that may be sleeping in other hearts.
In my humble study of the Quran and Sunnah so far, focused on survival with grief, huzn, depression and difficult people, I have learned that the above method taught in the Quran and Sunnah works for me, and inshallah it will work for you too.
It not only gives me life, but a life of peace, tranquility and perhaps a good place in the Hereafter. My goal being the attainment of: a Hayaat at Tayabba
I do not have the depth of knowledge that you have on the Quran and Sunnah, but sometimes it helps if someone puts it simply, someone who is struggling in His path with many loads, which have yet to be shed.
I am only a student, Allah knows best.
My Dua for you: May Allah Subhanawataaala gives you the best in this world and in the next. Ameen