The Odyssey (The original hard drive) is losing its memory and the Iliad (the second hard drive) is lagging behind, which tells me that my son has been dead a long time in technical hours.
My memory is fresh as of yesterday but the story of my son in my life like the Iliad is lagging from lack of fresh material.
My computer programmed by my son is telling me his hands are no longer on it, his long lithe body is no longer crouched over it updating it and installing new programs such that six years later they are still working, though the technological world around them has changed dramatically.
Sometimes I feel that like the Odyssey, I too am forgetting…….. that he is no longer going to come home for the fall break. The leaves will turn colors and drop to the ground waiting for him, and I will not see his abundant joy of just being home”…
Someone said “when you have worked through grief, you will be able to do ……xy and z, How does one “work through grief?”
It seems to be working through me, like the sawmill, shredding my heart into tiny pieces, till I can no longer recognize, what was in it previously, leaving behind a mound of the finely ground dust of grief.
The crisp rays of the sun scintillate on the red and gold leaves, colleges have fall break and I am forgetting pieces of my past like my hard drive………..and find myself waiting in anticipation for the exuberant joy of my son, on being home.
In reviewing the state of grief in our Deen…………..as I understand it, there is no “working through”.
The state of grief is described and prescribed in the three S’s:
“Sabr, Salaat and Submission………..to Him the Almighty.
I look at the copy of the Quran. In it somewhere is hidden the formula that will bring these three S’s to life for me. I plod on, my heart heavy, tolerating the failing memory of the Odyssey and the slowing pace of the Iliad with patience.