The Odyssey  (The original hard drive) is losing its memory and the Iliad (the second hard drive) is lagging behind, which tells me that my son has been dead a long time in technical hours.
My memory is fresh as of yesterday but the story of my son in my life like the Iliad is lagging from lack of fresh material.
My computer programmed by my son is telling me his hands are no longer on it, his long lithe body is no longer crouched over it updating it and installing new programs such that six years later they are still working, though the technological world around them has changed dramatically.

Sometimes I feel that like the Odyssey, I too am forgetting…….. that he is no longer going to come home for the fall break. The leaves will turn colors and drop to the ground waiting for him, and I will not see his abundant joy of just being home”…
Someone said “when you have worked through grief, you will be able to do ……xy and z, How does one “work through grief?”
It seems to be working through me, like the sawmill, shredding my heart into tiny pieces, till I can no longer recognize, what was in it previously, leaving behind a mound of the finely ground dust of grief.
The crisp rays of the sun scintillate on the red and gold leaves, colleges have fall break and I am forgetting pieces of my past like my hard drive………..and find myself waiting in anticipation for the exuberant joy of my son, on being home.

In reviewing the state of grief in our Deen………… I understand it, there is no “working through”.
The state of grief is described and prescribed in the three S’s:

“Sabr, Salaat and Submission……… Him the Almighty.

I look at the copy of the Quran. In it somewhere is hidden the formula that will bring these three S’s to life for me. I plod on, my heart heavy, tolerating the failing memory of the Odyssey and the slowing pace of the Iliad with patience.


  1. From FQ:

    For you :
    Peace, Peace, Peace
    Unpenetrable Peace
    Engulfing Peace
    Empty of effort and strife
    A cozy space for a while
    While He attends to the
    Wild sufferings of His other creature
    Only He Knows
    The Rahman, The Rahim.
    Vibrating in Sync
    “Sabr, Salat, Submission”


  2. Dear Sister,
    Yesterday it was raining all day with gust of wind. It was just like UK weather. We had some of the best part of our life in Cambridge where my wife was doing her PhD. Nabeel was about 5/6 yrs old. I used to take him to school walking through this sort of weather. As I was standing infront of Nabeel reading Surah Yaseen, the meories came flooding back. I rushed to my mother’s house where we just held on to each other and cried. It felt much better afterwards,


  3. walaikum Asalaam,
    May you be extremely successful in your salaat, sabr and submission and may He Subhanawataaala accept it all!

    Please give my salaams to your parents, your mother is very wise, but she hurts for her son as she looks upon helplessly at his pain as do you look upon helplessly at the loss of your son.

    May you take the time out of your grief and spend some blessed time at her feet.

    Jazaaikallah hu Khairan


  4. Dear Sister,
    Assalamu alaikum.
    Only the naive think that one can work through the grief of loosing one’s child. Your life stops at the moment. It is only your shadow that goes on with life. Even after 10 months I still think that I am in an extended nightmare and will wake up to find my son calling me. My mother tells me it is the Rahmat of Allah that I am still going with life. May be this is the blessing of Allah to the answer of my salat, sabr and submission.


  5. A personal communication from my dear friend Z:

    I read your blog on the ‘FADING ILLIAD’.
    SubhaanAllah, sometimes when my pain overcomes rational thought, this ayah helps – Inna Allah Ma’a as Sabireen – Verily Allah is with those in the state of Sabr.
    Ma’aiyah of Allah – that sweet experience of knowing that He is watching the pain in my heart and hearing its cries and witnessing the silent tears. That feeling of solace that envelops us like a blanket , a blanket of His rahmah that descends when i turn away from all other than Him whose well intended words and acts of comfort are insufficient, Ma’aiyah of Allah – that we as I’bad so often miss out during times of blessings, yet so acutely experience in times of distress and loss.

    Sometimes He, swt allows those like me, utterly undeserving, to taste of this through the loss of a pure and righteous and precious child.

    Allahumma aj’alna mina as Sabireen – O Allah make us and keep us in the company of The Sabireen, for in that state i am with YOU.


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