THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF……………2:38

Cherished moments for an unknown period

My letter of condolence to a dear friend on the death of his nephew………………

Dear B, Asalaam o alaikum,

I was deeply saddened to hear of the untimely death of your seventeen-year-old nephew. Every time a young boy dies I am reminded of what I heard at one of the khutbahs. The Imam said :

with the prolonged consistent and continuous supplications of a parent for her children they get a long and healthy life.

This makes me think that perhaps A’s mother and I did not pray long and consistently for our sons or at least not enough to elongate their existence on this earth.

But then I read in the Quran and also explained in the Hadith (paraphrased):

our time of death, our sustenance and our Qadar is predetermined and brought to us by an angel at 16 weeks gestation while we are in our mothers womb and pasted on our forelock/forehead. Eventually with time it gets covered up with tissue and thus others can no longer see it, but it remains is situ till the time is up.

Thus I go between the guilt of not having prayed enough for the salamati of my children versus my laying down my head with Sabr at my Qadar of losing my son before me.

A’s parents are obviously not at this point but will get there at some time in the future. Losing your child is like placing a hot brand on the heart of the parent, which sears it and never goes away. The response to the searing of the heart is of course completely individual and unforeseen.

You and T were there for us the night of Tariq’s accident. I have a surreal recollection of that time. It is sharp in its picture but sometimes hazy in emotion. It is the compassion and blessing of Allah Subhanawataala for making us incapable of fully reliving the emotions of that day.

A’s parents are blessed to have the two of you as their nearest and dearest. No matter when you decide to go to Pakistan, it will be a balm for their pain.

I cannot think of any advice for A’s parents to alleviate their pain or be able to survive this tragedy.

When I look back in these four years, I realize that I had to try medical and psychological grief support measures and read everything on grief help before I opened the book of Allah’s words and got to the point where I got help that eased my pain. It was a lot of struggle and searching in the words of Allah to get to this point and I still slip many a time.

However looking at how some other people find solace after grief tells me that delving into Allah’s words has not been an approach that they have taken.

In the throes of my grief, I was led by good friends in the direction of finding solace with my Creator. It started with a talk that Dr. S, a psychiatry resident, gave at Tariq’s memorial service at the mosque regarding the “Words of Solace” taken from the Quran. I hung on to them for a while and then I started my own search by googling “Sabr” in the Quran, because I wanted a quick fix. Of course the answer was ” no results”.

The study of the Quran cannot be done by googling a term. I eventually had to start from page one and struggle through each ayah trying to find a meaning that pertained to me and understand it’s potential to take the pain away.

After that at the various spiritual retreats that I went to I met people who were kind, empathic and patient in the path of Allah, and it reinforced my search for the balm for my never ending pain by reflecting on the words of Allah and putting this world and our presence or absence in it in a broader perspective.

I pray that Allah Subhanawataala guides A’s parents to compassionate loving God-fearing people who point them in the direction of Allah Subhanawataala’s therapeutic words that will help ease their pain. I know from experience that nothing else can.

The alternate option is painkillers and brain numbing drugs or other self-destructive acts, which are temporary and ruin not only one’s own life but also the life of all the family.

After the consistent support of family and friends, the rest of the journey they have to make on their own. This grief is one that stays with you till the day you die; there is no escape, no forgetting, and no true untrammeled joy anymore. The best one can hope for is that in serving others, one gives oneself as sadaqa with each act, for ones departed child.

Allah Subhanawataala has given you a kind heart and inshallah you will be able to reach out to the parents and sisters of A and bring them solace, and comfort, in your own special way. T’s serene presence will also be comforting for the family inshallah.

I pray that you may find the strength to be that beacon of light that the bereaved look for when they are blinded with pain. May Allah strengthen your emaan and grant you the ability and stamina to comfort your own brother in one of the most painful times of his life.

My prayers are for you, your family, and for A and his family. May Allah Subhanawataala give you all sabr- e- jameel.

Paul, and Shireen join me in sending their sincere heartfelt condolences; kindly convey these to your brother and his family.

With Salaam and duas,

A

Quran 2:38

………………….whosoever follows My guidance, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

HIS GAZE IN DEATH…………………

I am at the funeral parlor, they bring him out on a gurney at my request. His eyes are closed. He seems like he is sleeping, a peaceful expression on his face.

“May I see his eyes?” I ask the attendant and he removes something that is keeping his eyes shut. His eyes are open but they are not expressionless like the dead people you see in the movies. His gaze is focused on something……….that is moving away far into the horizon………………..

The Prophet (pbuh) was reported by Umm Salamah to have said “Verily when the spirit (Rooh) is taken the eyes follow it” (Sahih Muslim vol.2 p.437 no.2005).

The successful souls will be made to enter paradise as Allah said to the righteous souls “O soul (Nafs) at peace, come back to your Lord pleased with yourself and pleasing to Him. Enter among My devotees. Enter My paradise.” (Soorah al-Fajr 89:27-30)

RANDOM REMINDERS………….

I am working and I glance out of the window at the falling rain and wonder……if the grass is sprouting from the seeds I left on his grave……..

I sit down to write and someone has pushed the keyboard to the right making place for his left-handedness………..

Three butterflies chasing each other………

My days are sprinkled with the diamonds of my memories, clear scintillating and razor edged sharp with loss.

And I remind myself to say: Inna lil lahi wa inna elaye rajeown…..

THE SPANISH MOSS……..

I am on the island, I am gliding down the avenue lined by old Oaks with the Spanish moss draping them closely and the tresses hanging low as if to hold on to the memories they have witnessed.

I am counting the miles just like I did when I was with him.

He is sitting up alert but pretending to be relaxed as he stretches his long skinny legs, as we negotiate the bends and turn left into the condos. Today I turn right and I am alone.

In the apartment I am listening to Coldplay with the muted sounds coming from his computer just like the other day.

There is a stillness in the room……….we have just finished dinner, he says “Mom this is the best dinner I have ever eaten” my heart swells with happiness………..such uncomplicated moments; he is another person when he is with me, his guard is down and he is soft, affectionate and considerate.

This island unlike the other one has only one memory and no more. Its him and me and me and him spending our last vacation together, unaware, of the impending parting soon to come.

Every moment is precious, I try to give him his private time, but he invites me to join him and sit with him and watch this comedy show…………and I do.

Why am I back? Why am I walking the steps of memories, why? Because my heart is full and I am tired of being brave, I just want to be where he was with me and I want to remember and savor every moment and cry, I want to cry like Yaqub AS, incessantly and continuously. He lost his son in the desert I lost mine on the highway. I want to cry and cry and cry………….

I find an old Urdu song in his collection and it takes me back to the times when I only dreamed of the future and knew without a doubt that I would be able to pull myself out of the strife and find a better life far away.

Today I know there is no escape from the incessant needling of the fingers of grief, they poke, point and rub, till the wound is raw. The loss is refreshed, with the sadness. As I pull my suitcase out of the trunk of the car, my bones feel old.

There is no lilting young step beside me. I am tired of trudging this life, and a sense of hopelessness drenches every cell of my body. I am tired, I want to go……… and then I realize I am not ready, I am afraid of the FIRE, and I have not done enough to erase my sins and I need His mercy but I also need to work for it.

And so ends another day………….

JULY 09 READINGS

WHAT WAS READ A FEW TIMES:

Surah Al Anaam 6:1-24 for……..
78:08 And (have We not) Created You in Pairs
THE HOUSE, MY SANCTUARY
HAJJ Mabrook to the HAjjiis and Eid Mubarak
Ya Ayohan Naas….. O’ Mankind
PREPARATION FOR UMMRAH
What RasoolAllaah (saws) read or emphasized in prayer
BEHAVIORIAL CLUES OF THE HYPOCRITES: 9:5
THE BLESSING….
ABOUT FASTS AND FASTING………
Islamic Perspective on Sex
WORDS………… WHAT YOU READ A LOT OF TIMES GRADUATION……. THE MOST MISQUOTED AYAHS OF THE QURAN SINCE 911 THE CONCEPT OF SABR (PATIENCE) IN ISLAM THE CONCEPT OF ‘EVENTS AT DEATH’ IN ISLAM Does Islam Allow Muslim Men To Marry Non.Muslim Women Hijab a la Syria IN PREPARATION FOR YOUR FRIEND’S WEDDING About SAJDAH- E- TILAWAT: First Sajdah in the Quran SABR IN ADVERSITY: SURAH HUD 11:9-11

TARIQ: The Star of Piercing Brightness…….

English translation with recitation from Shaykh Luhaidan and beautiful illustrations:

English translation with recitation by Shaykh Alafasy with his mesmeric voice:

and with urdu translation:

and in pashtu translation

THE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR………

Door in Old Damascus

I can feel it knocking on the door, and I am trying to ignore it, the methods used for ignoring are not healthy, and create more anxiety.
Sometimes the knocking becomes insistent and cannot be completely ignored and for a fleeting second I am tempted to open the door and face the consequences and then the wall goes up and deadens the sound of the knocking………….

……………………….There is a gathering at my house. The house is filled with Tariq and Shireen’s friends. Some of them are sitting at the dining table, I am also seated with them, and she is consulting him about college. He in his most “seriously considering” manner is very graciously explaining the pros and cons of the various aspects. I silently acknowledge with surprise his maturity and thoughtful evaluation of the ramifications of the choices in college…………..and just as quickly as it came the memory fades.

Time has fast-forwarded four years, she is done with college and we are all celebrating her graduation dinner. This gathering is very different from her high school graduation dinner where he had given a speech, and one could hear laughter, and sense the air saturated with joy. Today there is a void that no one wants to acknowledge.

I feel the knocking at the door. It is grief…………. insistent on wanting admittance to my heart.

Inna lil lahi wa inna elayhe rajaeown…….

NO FEAR AND N0 GRIEF…………Surah Baqarah

The Names of Allah:courtesy www.flickr.com

Surah Baqarah2.038
قُلنَا ٱهبِطُواْ مِنہَا جَمِيعًا فَإِمَّا يَأتِيَنَّكُم مِّنِّى هُدًى فَمَن تَبِعَ هُدَاىَ فَلَا خَوفٌ عَلَيہِم وَلَا هُم يَحزَنُونَ (٣٨)
In Surah Baqarah ayah 38 Allah Subhanawataala says:
002.038 YUSUFALI: We said: “Get ye down all from here; and if, as is sure, there comes to you Guidance from me, whosoever follows My guidance, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

On a personal note:

Let me share with you my journey with grief and fear.
After Tariq, and his friends died, I was in severe unremitting continuous pain and grief. I took Prophet Muhammad sallalaho alaye wasalaams advice and used every halal available means to allay my grief.
The intensity of the pain was blinding and unremitting despite all the secular and medical methods.

It was in one of these moments of blinding pain that I sought the guidance of Allah Subhanawataala’s words and tapped into His promise of no fear and no grief.
I am a slow learner so after quite a while, I realized the connection, that as long as I was in the presence of my Lord, I had no fear and no grief.

Thus ignoring His Subhanawataala’s guidance and going back to the ways of dunya, the rat race and the senseless acquisition of degrees, materialistic assets and fame became moot.

Allah Subhanawataala says………….. and it is the secret of inner peace:
Verily it is in the Dhikr of Allah that hearts do find rest.

There are so many people who spend their life in search of cure for their grief in the secular zone. The modern Muslims also, like me first search all the secular sources and yet are blind to the single ayah at the front end of the Quran, which is laden with Allah’s promise.

He or she who follows Allah Subhanawataala’s guidance shall have no fear nor shall they grieve.

When you reach out and take one step towards Him Subhanawataala He takes ten……..so goes the hadith from our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon Him.

I sincerely hope and pray that you do not wait for a catastrophe to happen and the pain of grief to  smother you before you actually seek His guidance.

……On The death of your son

We went with Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) to the blacksmith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet).

Allah’s Apostle took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif’s house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) started shedding tears.

‘Abdur Rahman bin ‘Auf said, “O Allah’s Apostle, even you are weeping!”

He said, “O Ibn ‘Auf, this is mercy.”

Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.”

Narrated Anas bin Malik: Volume 2, Book 23, Number 390:

THE THIRD ROOM………..

I am in the first room with a lot of people they are all laughing and happy. It is a joyous occasion and I too am not sad…………..and yet I long to be in the second room.
The second room is the “lonely room” there is no one there except the rocks of my memories, the dark waters of “what ifs”, the Alligators of guilt and the sharks of Regret.
Why do I want to be in the lonely room when I can be in the first room with such a happy group of people, who are celebrating life?

The answer lies in what is at the other end of the lonely room………. I have to be brave to step into the murky waters of sadness, wade in the unknown depths of depression, avoid the Alligators of guilt and swim faster than the Sharks that can swallow me and then in their belly my skin will peel like Younus (AS) layer by layer as I am faced with regret………of actions not done.

I quietly leave the first room and wade into the lonely room, gently caressing the rocks of memories, worn down with the waves of time and sadness. I know that I cannot linger because I don’t want to drown in the murky waters, nor be swallowed by guilt or made immobile with fear of the sharks of regret………..

Thus from my past experience I begin my journey deeper and deeper into the lonely room, the words of Younus AS giving me company and tears, but never swerving from my initial purpose to reach the other side.

It had been on one desperate day that I had done the same and had swum the dark dank waters with all my strength, seeking……. seeking what? I did not know.

Guided by His (Subhanawataala’s) words coming from the lips of Younus (AS) in the belly of the whale, and I had found shore.

Climbing on to the sanctuary, small, the size of a musallah, which could barely hold my body in prostration, but lighted and protected from all predators and from the dark waters around me.

I remember I had fallen in prostration, with relief and a lightness and continued my salaat, my prayer, every supplication and surah that I knew by heart, again and again, tears streaming down my cheeks, entreating him to relieve my pain……….
And I remember distinctly a chink opening, and light streaming into the lonely room from the third room…………

I never knew that in this dark and lonely place there was an opening to the third room, I could smell fragrance, I could feel the fresh air, the sort of feeling when one comes out of cave into a verdant forest……….

Someone yells my name from the first room, I am needed, I have to fulfill my duties, and I must go back. I regretfully swim back and the door to the third room closes behind me.

Though I fear being lost in the dark waters of sadness and depression, I often long for the lonely room despite all its predators,………in the hope that I can cross it and perhaps this time enter The Third Room.

" Which of our favors will you deny" Surah Rahman