THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF……………2:38

Cherished moments for an unknown period

My letter of condolence to a dear friend on the death of his nephew………………

Dear B, Asalaam o alaikum,

I was deeply saddened to hear of the untimely death of your seventeen-year-old nephew. Every time a young boy dies I am reminded of what I heard at one of the khutbahs. The Imam said :

with the prolonged consistent and continuous supplications of a parent for her children they get a long and healthy life.

This makes me think that perhaps A’s mother and I did not pray long and consistently for our sons or at least not enough to elongate their existence on this earth.

But then I read in the Quran and also explained in the Hadith (paraphrased):

our time of death, our sustenance and our Qadar is predetermined and brought to us by an angel at 16 weeks gestation while we are in our mothers womb and pasted on our forelock/forehead. Eventually with time it gets covered up with tissue and thus others can no longer see it, but it remains is situ till the time is up.

Thus I go between the guilt of not having prayed enough for the salamati of my children versus my laying down my head with Sabr at my Qadar of losing my son before me.

A’s parents are obviously not at this point but will get there at some time in the future. Losing your child is like placing a hot brand on the heart of the parent, which sears it and never goes away. The response to the searing of the heart is of course completely individual and unforeseen.

You and T were there for us the night of Tariq’s accident. I have a surreal recollection of that time. It is sharp in its picture but sometimes hazy in emotion. It is the compassion and blessing of Allah Subhanawataala for making us incapable of fully reliving the emotions of that day.

A’s parents are blessed to have the two of you as their nearest and dearest. No matter when you decide to go to Pakistan, it will be a balm for their pain.

I cannot think of any advice for A’s parents to alleviate their pain or be able to survive this tragedy.

When I look back in these four years, I realize that I had to try medical and psychological grief support measures and read everything on grief help before I opened the book of Allah’s words and got to the point where I got help that eased my pain. It was a lot of struggle and searching in the words of Allah to get to this point and I still slip many a time.

However looking at how some other people find solace after grief tells me that delving into Allah’s words has not been an approach that they have taken.

In the throes of my grief, I was led by good friends in the direction of finding solace with my Creator. It started with a talk that Dr. S, a psychiatry resident, gave at Tariq’s memorial service at the mosque regarding the “Words of Solace” taken from the Quran. I hung on to them for a while and then I started my own search by googling “Sabr” in the Quran, because I wanted a quick fix. Of course the answer was ” no results”.

The study of the Quran cannot be done by googling a term. I eventually had to start from page one and struggle through each ayah trying to find a meaning that pertained to me and understand it’s potential to take the pain away.

After that at the various spiritual retreats that I went to I met people who were kind, empathic and patient in the path of Allah, and it reinforced my search for the balm for my never ending pain by reflecting on the words of Allah and putting this world and our presence or absence in it in a broader perspective.

I pray that Allah Subhanawataala guides A’s parents to compassionate loving God-fearing people who point them in the direction of Allah Subhanawataala’s therapeutic words that will help ease their pain. I know from experience that nothing else can.

The alternate option is painkillers and brain numbing drugs or other self-destructive acts, which are temporary and ruin not only one’s own life but also the life of all the family.

After the consistent support of family and friends, the rest of the journey they have to make on their own. This grief is one that stays with you till the day you die; there is no escape, no forgetting, and no true untrammeled joy anymore. The best one can hope for is that in serving others, one gives oneself as sadaqa with each act, for ones departed child.

Allah Subhanawataala has given you a kind heart and inshallah you will be able to reach out to the parents and sisters of A and bring them solace, and comfort, in your own special way. T’s serene presence will also be comforting for the family inshallah.

I pray that you may find the strength to be that beacon of light that the bereaved look for when they are blinded with pain. May Allah strengthen your emaan and grant you the ability and stamina to comfort your own brother in one of the most painful times of his life.

My prayers are for you, your family, and for A and his family. May Allah Subhanawataala give you all sabr- e- jameel.

Paul, and Shireen join me in sending their sincere heartfelt condolences; kindly convey these to your brother and his family.

With Salaam and duas,

A

Quran 2:38

………………….whosoever follows My guidance, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

WAR: My son, his son and your sons………….

Muslim cemetery, sarajevo: courtesy:http://www.flickr.com/photos/louis_z_bickett_ii/3785658294/in/photostream/

Dedicated to the parents of Tariq, Imran, Ebad, Nabeel and all the parents who have lost their children to death………….

While the whole world watches the American President declare his intentions regarding the war in Afghanistan and Pakistan, I do the math and it translates into more dead sons and daughters and more grieving parents irrespective of which side you are on.

I am reminded that somewhere in a cemetery a father grieves over the untimely death of his young son. Here is an excerpt of a Ramadan night………….

I cannot wait to end the day of work to be with him. Even though he remains silent on my visits. The tree beside his grave has grown tall in these two years and has bent over his grave protectively to shade him from the relentless heat of summer.

I alight from the car and approach his grave. I search my pockets to look for my small Quran and I find them empty. In the past I have usually gone back to the car to get it. Tonight is the advent of the twenty seventh of Ramadan and suddenly I want to recite the Yaseen Shareef from memory for my son.

I begin the recitation and effortlessly the words flow from my heart and spill over my lips gathering the essence of my love and bestowing it on my son as he lies separated from me by a universe of infinity.

It has been said that the intent with which you recite Yaseen, is granted and recognized by Allah Subhanawataala without even uttering the intent in words……………..

Today, He Subhanawataala knows that I want to recite Yaseen shareef from memory and without the help of the musaf. I want it to flow from my heart, all of it, from beginning to end. I want to gift it to my son, complete in its entirety and essence.

As my wish is granted on this blessed night of the twenty seventh of Ramadan, I am overcome by a wonderful feeling……………I have recited the entire surah Yaseen from memory without a hesitation!

Meanwhile as the war machine gears up to make more graves all over the world, I grieve for the parents who are as of now innocent of the pain that comes with the news of your child’s death!

And I say:

Inna lil lahi wa inna elayhe rajaeown:

We come from Allah and to Him we shall return

RANDOM REMINDERS………….

I am working and I glance out of the window at the falling rain and wonder……if the grass is sprouting from the seeds I left on his grave……..

I sit down to write and someone has pushed the keyboard to the right making place for his left-handedness………..

Three butterflies chasing each other………

My days are sprinkled with the diamonds of my memories, clear scintillating and razor edged sharp with loss.

And I remind myself to say: Inna lil lahi wa inna elaye rajeown…..

THE SPANISH MOSS……..

I am on the island, I am gliding down the avenue lined by old Oaks with the Spanish moss draping them closely and the tresses hanging low as if to hold on to the memories they have witnessed.

I am counting the miles just like I did when I was with him.

He is sitting up alert but pretending to be relaxed as he stretches his long skinny legs, as we negotiate the bends and turn left into the condos. Today I turn right and I am alone.

In the apartment I am listening to Coldplay with the muted sounds coming from his computer just like the other day.

There is a stillness in the room……….we have just finished dinner, he says “Mom this is the best dinner I have ever eaten” my heart swells with happiness………..such uncomplicated moments; he is another person when he is with me, his guard is down and he is soft, affectionate and considerate.

This island unlike the other one has only one memory and no more. Its him and me and me and him spending our last vacation together, unaware, of the impending parting soon to come.

Every moment is precious, I try to give him his private time, but he invites me to join him and sit with him and watch this comedy show…………and I do.

Why am I back? Why am I walking the steps of memories, why? Because my heart is full and I am tired of being brave, I just want to be where he was with me and I want to remember and savor every moment and cry, I want to cry like Yaqub AS, incessantly and continuously. He lost his son in the desert I lost mine on the highway. I want to cry and cry and cry………….

I find an old Urdu song in his collection and it takes me back to the times when I only dreamed of the future and knew without a doubt that I would be able to pull myself out of the strife and find a better life far away.

Today I know there is no escape from the incessant needling of the fingers of grief, they poke, point and rub, till the wound is raw. The loss is refreshed, with the sadness. As I pull my suitcase out of the trunk of the car, my bones feel old.

There is no lilting young step beside me. I am tired of trudging this life, and a sense of hopelessness drenches every cell of my body. I am tired, I want to go……… and then I realize I am not ready, I am afraid of the FIRE, and I have not done enough to erase my sins and I need His mercy but I also need to work for it.

And so ends another day………….

THE SHIRT: LOSS OF A SON 12: 11-18

Surah Yusuf 12:11-18
قَالُواْ يَـأَبَانَا مَا لَكَ لَا تَأمَنَّا عَلَى يُوسُفَ وَإِنَّا لَهُ  لَنَـصِحُونَ (١١) أَرسِلهُ مَعَنَا غَدًا يَرتَع وَيَلعَب وَإِنَّا لَهُ  لَحَـفِظُونَ (١٢) قَالَ إِنِّى لَيَحزُنُنِىٓ أَن تَذهَبُواْ بِهِ وَأَخَافُ أَن يَألَهُ ٱلذِّئبُ وَأَنتُم عَنهُ غَـفِلُونَ (١٣) قَالُواْ لَن أَلَهُ ٱلذِّئبُ وَنَحنُ عُصبَةٌ إِنَّآ إِذًا لَّخَـسِرُونَ (١٤) فَلَمَّا ذَهَبُواْ بِهِ وَأَجمَعُوٓاْ أَن يَجعَلُوهُ فِى غَيَـبَتِ ٱلجُبِّ وَأَوحَينَآ إِلَيهِ لَتُنَبِّئَنَّهُم بِأَمرِهِم هَـذَا وَهُم لَا يَشعُرُونَ (١٥) وَجَآءُوٓ أَبَاهُم عِشَآءً يَبكُونَ (١٦) قَالُواْ يَـأَبَانَآ إِنَّا ذَهَبنَا نَستَبِقُ وَتَرَنَا يُوسُفَ عِندَ مَتَـعِنَا فَأَلَهُ ٱلذِّئبُ وَمَآ أَنتَ بِمُؤمِنٍ لَّنَا وَلَو نَّا صَـدِقِينَ (١٧) وَجَآءُو عَلَى قَمِيصِهِ بِدَمٍ كَذِبٍ قَالَ بَل سَوَّلَت لَكُم أَنفُسُكُم أَمرًا فَصَبرٌ جَمِيلٌ وَٱللَّهُ ٱلمُستَعَانُ عَلَى مَا تَصِفُونَ (١٨)
Transliteration:
11    Qaloo ya abana ma laka la tamanna AAala yoosufa wainna lahu lanasihoona
12    Arsilhu maAAana ghadan yartaAA wayalAAab wainna lahu lahafithoona
13    Qala innee layahzununee an thathhaboo bihi waakhafu an yakulahu alththibu waantum AAanhu ghafiloona
14    Qaloo lain akalahu alththibu wanahnu AAusbatun inna ithan lakhasiroona
15    Falamma thahaboo bihi waajmaAAoo an yajAAaloohu fee ghayabati aljubbi waawhayna ilayhi latunabiannahum biamrihim hatha wahum la yashAAuroona
16    Wajaoo abahum AAishaan yabkoona
17    Qaloo ya abana inna thahabna nastabiqu watarakna yoosufa AAinda mataAAina faakalahu alththibu wama anta bimuminin lana walaw kunna sadiqeena
18    Wajaoo AAala qameesihi bidamin kathibin qala bal sawwalat lakum anfusukum amran fasabrun jameelun waAllahu almustaAAanu AAala ma tasifoona

Translation (Pickthall)
They said: O our father! Why wilt thou not trust us with Joseph, when lo! we are good friends to him? (11) Send him with us to-morrow that he may enjoy himself and play. And lo! we shall take good care of him. (12) He said: Lo! in truth it saddens me that ye should take him with you, and I fear lest the wolf devour him while ye are heedless of him. (13) They said: If the wolf should devour him when we are (so strong) a band, then surely we should have already perished. (14) Then, when they led him off, and were of one mind that they should place him in the depth of the pit, We inspired in him: Thou wilt tell them of this deed of theirs when they know (thee) not. (15) And they came weeping to their father in the evening. (16) Saying: O our father! We went racing one with another, and left Joseph by our things, and the wolf devoured him, and thou believest not our saying even when we speak the truth. (17) And they came with false blood on his shirt. He said: Nay, but your minds have beguiled you into something. (My course is) comely patience. And Allah it is Whose help is to be sought in that (predicament) which ye describe. (18)

TAFSEEER excerpted from Taleem ul Quran by Dr. Farhat Hashmi (with my take in italics from the retreat on Surah Yusuf with HY)

This is a 4000-year-old story…………a story of which Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) had no knowledge. The Meccans. Both the Quraish and the Jews were bent on disproving prophet Muhammad’s Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him)Prophet hood. Thus he was asked about Yusuf AS of which he had no knowledge. It is then that Allah Subhanawataala revealed this surah with the complete story of Yusuf in its entirety.

Here is how the story goes………………..

Yaqub (AS) was approached by his sons (the eleven brothers of Yusuf)……………..they started their conversation by making him feel guilty that he does not trust them with Yusuf.

They reminded him that they are a large, strong group, and nothing can overcome them. They asked him to let Yusuf go with them on a picnic and that they would guard him and bring him back safe and sound.  They of course had no intention of bringing him back period. Thus this falls into the earliest history of a premeditated crime.

What does a father do………….when one sibling is pitted against the other and is bent on mischief.

He appealed to them, and said, “ it fills my heart with sadness at the thought of Yusuf going away and I feel anxiety that something might happen to him like a wolf might devour him while you are busy……”

He watched as the brothers in a backhanded fashion accused him of not trusting them with Yusuf. They said that they were going for a picnic and did he not think that they were enough in number and strength to take care of one child and that being their own brother……?

The air was rife with treachery…….a murder had been planned and had been changed to abduction and disappearance.

The Nafs of the boys was riding rampant and its predatory tentacles had overcome their good sense. The whisperings of Shaitaan fanning their envy and jealousy for their younger sib.The mischief crystallized into a deliberate plan to get rid of their younger brother whom they believed to be the apple of their father’s eyes.

A parent can feel when something is amiss in his children. And so did Yaqub AS. He felt that the brothers were up to no good and yet………he submitted to Allah’s Divine Decree by making his fatherly anxiety and premonition yield to the will of God.

He let Yusuf go with them………..

Night had fallen. They came back with his shirt, stained with blood, which they said belonged to Yusuf…………The pain and anguish that he had spoken about when he was hesitant about sending Yusuf with them now filled his heart and overflowed through his eyes. Not a word of anger or complaint to anyone including Allah Subhanawataala escaped his lips………all he said was “ I will bear this sorrow with Sabr Jameel and only ask Allah for help” (a sabr that is beautified with perfection of the act).

The shirt……..covered with blood a reminder that Yusuf was lost, somewhere in the vast unending desert.  His dear sweet, handsome, agreeable, lovable, child Yusuf was lost and there was not a thing he could do except be patient, trust in God and seek His help. Sabr jameel! There was no end point to his anguish, but he had vowed to have Sabr Jameel and only ask Allah for help, but his anguish flowed from his heart to his eyes.

The shirt……….was the only thing left of Yusuf to remind him that he was gone, irrevocably. Somewhere in the back of his mind or from his instincts as a Nabi he knew that his lovely child was not dead……..and yet he was gone, lost in the vast desert and it is said that he cried his heart out till he became blind. A father blinded with grief.

The sorrows of a parent for a child…. dead or lost are unfathomable………it is only the mercy of Allah and trust in Him and Sabr, that keeps one sane and patient in the face of the incessant waves of sorrow that threaten to engulf and drown one into the fathomless sea of grief.

The shirt………….Yusuf’s (AS) shirt is symbolic through out this saga as it continues.

Yaqub (AS) grief and his promise of Sabr Jameel and asking only God for help, brings to us the human example of a grief stricken parent given strength to bear endless sadness.

Most of all it raises the bar for the level of trust in God that we can have and that of Sabr to Sabr Jameel.

Dedicated…………in memory of Nabeel

WHAT DRIVES US?

oh_Allah____by_heart_less

what drives us? Time and time again I have to admit it is our genes. Looking around at the attendees at the conference at the mosque given by this young Imam. I saw the faces of parents, who want and will their children to be successful in this world and in Deen. The question is why? What is their true intent?

When I am on a long drive I sometimes think back as to what propelled me to take my children to the mosque so regularly, tolerate the long and boring parties and get togethers of well meaning Muslim families, that I had nothing in common with, and continued to push them towards the Deen and excelling in dunya?
The conclusion is genes………..genes in the garb of religion, in the garb of success, you name it. The bottom line is that I and my compatriots cannot see the product of their genes go bad in any direction, be it academically, socially or religiously.

Driving back from work, I see the long line of SUVs parked alongside the road leading to the elementary school that my children went to. Each parent revved up to make sure their child gets the best teacher, the best spot to sit and the best selection of products………well then who gets the last best?

It is natures way of propagating the species, the better protection the progeny gets from its parents during the tender years the more likely he or she is to be stable in all the three areas mentioned above.
I pass by a truck selling seedless watermelon……..so what happens to their progeny they are lost for ever, after the vine dies and the fruit is eaten or rots on the truck, there is no progeny, and thus no genes …………

Drawing from my lessons on Tazkiyah, I wonder if we should ever consider our children to be an extension of us, and if we do, is that a form of arrogance. Allah Subhanawataala has told us that each person has their own DNA and has come with their own sustenance, lifespan and Qadaa wal Qadar.

It makes me wonder……..  Do we invest in our children because we want to protect our self from pain? for if they went sour we would look bad and we would hurt, or do we invest in them out of the fear of God ? Are we even aware that they are His Amana and that we have to provide them the best that we can and keep them in the ideal pristine condition of emaan while they are in our care. Thus when they return to our Lord from whom we have come, they are not in a sullied condition.

Children………..that is what drives us; at least that is what drives us Muslims. We do things that we would not do other wise. All this in an effort to save us from the pain of a bad egg turned worse. All this under the guise of teaching them our faith and the way to make money, never really considering the most basic of tenet that they do not belong to us, that we neither dictate how long they stay with us and that they were not sent to us for the aggrandizement of our Nafs, but as an amana from Allah Subhanawataala for a period of time.

Children………that is what drives us. May Allah Subhanawataala guide us regarding our children, before we bear them, during their lifetime and on their death, if so be it.

THE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR………

Door in Old Damascus

I can feel it knocking on the door, and I am trying to ignore it, the methods used for ignoring are not healthy, and create more anxiety.
Sometimes the knocking becomes insistent and cannot be completely ignored and for a fleeting second I am tempted to open the door and face the consequences and then the wall goes up and deadens the sound of the knocking………….

……………………….There is a gathering at my house. The house is filled with Tariq and Shireen’s friends. Some of them are sitting at the dining table, I am also seated with them, and she is consulting him about college. He in his most “seriously considering” manner is very graciously explaining the pros and cons of the various aspects. I silently acknowledge with surprise his maturity and thoughtful evaluation of the ramifications of the choices in college…………..and just as quickly as it came the memory fades.

Time has fast-forwarded four years, she is done with college and we are all celebrating her graduation dinner. This gathering is very different from her high school graduation dinner where he had given a speech, and one could hear laughter, and sense the air saturated with joy. Today there is a void that no one wants to acknowledge.

I feel the knocking at the door. It is grief…………. insistent on wanting admittance to my heart.

Inna lil lahi wa inna elayhe rajaeown…….

NO FEAR AND N0 GRIEF…………Surah Baqarah

The Names of Allah:courtesy www.flickr.com

Surah Baqarah2.038
قُلنَا ٱهبِطُواْ مِنہَا جَمِيعًا فَإِمَّا يَأتِيَنَّكُم مِّنِّى هُدًى فَمَن تَبِعَ هُدَاىَ فَلَا خَوفٌ عَلَيہِم وَلَا هُم يَحزَنُونَ (٣٨)
In Surah Baqarah ayah 38 Allah Subhanawataala says:
002.038 YUSUFALI: We said: “Get ye down all from here; and if, as is sure, there comes to you Guidance from me, whosoever follows My guidance, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

On a personal note:

Let me share with you my journey with grief and fear.
After Tariq, and his friends died, I was in severe unremitting continuous pain and grief. I took Prophet Muhammad sallalaho alaye wasalaams advice and used every halal available means to allay my grief.
The intensity of the pain was blinding and unremitting despite all the secular and medical methods.

It was in one of these moments of blinding pain that I sought the guidance of Allah Subhanawataala’s words and tapped into His promise of no fear and no grief.
I am a slow learner so after quite a while, I realized the connection, that as long as I was in the presence of my Lord, I had no fear and no grief.

Thus ignoring His Subhanawataala’s guidance and going back to the ways of dunya, the rat race and the senseless acquisition of degrees, materialistic assets and fame became moot.

Allah Subhanawataala says………….. and it is the secret of inner peace:
Verily it is in the Dhikr of Allah that hearts do find rest.

There are so many people who spend their life in search of cure for their grief in the secular zone. The modern Muslims also, like me first search all the secular sources and yet are blind to the single ayah at the front end of the Quran, which is laden with Allah’s promise.

He or she who follows Allah Subhanawataala’s guidance shall have no fear nor shall they grieve.

When you reach out and take one step towards Him Subhanawataala He takes ten……..so goes the hadith from our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon Him.

I sincerely hope and pray that you do not wait for a catastrophe to happen and the pain of grief to  smother you before you actually seek His guidance.

……On The death of your son

We went with Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) to the blacksmith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet).

Allah’s Apostle took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif’s house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) started shedding tears.

‘Abdur Rahman bin ‘Auf said, “O Allah’s Apostle, even you are weeping!”

He said, “O Ibn ‘Auf, this is mercy.”

Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.”

Narrated Anas bin Malik: Volume 2, Book 23, Number 390:

THE THIRD ROOM………..

I am in the first room with a lot of people they are all laughing and happy. It is a joyous occasion and I too am not sad…………..and yet I long to be in the second room.
The second room is the “lonely room” there is no one there except the rocks of my memories, the dark waters of “what ifs”, the Alligators of guilt and the sharks of Regret.
Why do I want to be in the lonely room when I can be in the first room with such a happy group of people, who are celebrating life?

The answer lies in what is at the other end of the lonely room………. I have to be brave to step into the murky waters of sadness, wade in the unknown depths of depression, avoid the Alligators of guilt and swim faster than the Sharks that can swallow me and then in their belly my skin will peel like Younus (AS) layer by layer as I am faced with regret………of actions not done.

I quietly leave the first room and wade into the lonely room, gently caressing the rocks of memories, worn down with the waves of time and sadness. I know that I cannot linger because I don’t want to drown in the murky waters, nor be swallowed by guilt or made immobile with fear of the sharks of regret………..

Thus from my past experience I begin my journey deeper and deeper into the lonely room, the words of Younus AS giving me company and tears, but never swerving from my initial purpose to reach the other side.

It had been on one desperate day that I had done the same and had swum the dark dank waters with all my strength, seeking……. seeking what? I did not know.

Guided by His (Subhanawataala’s) words coming from the lips of Younus (AS) in the belly of the whale, and I had found shore.

Climbing on to the sanctuary, small, the size of a musallah, which could barely hold my body in prostration, but lighted and protected from all predators and from the dark waters around me.

I remember I had fallen in prostration, with relief and a lightness and continued my salaat, my prayer, every supplication and surah that I knew by heart, again and again, tears streaming down my cheeks, entreating him to relieve my pain……….
And I remember distinctly a chink opening, and light streaming into the lonely room from the third room…………

I never knew that in this dark and lonely place there was an opening to the third room, I could smell fragrance, I could feel the fresh air, the sort of feeling when one comes out of cave into a verdant forest……….

Someone yells my name from the first room, I am needed, I have to fulfill my duties, and I must go back. I regretfully swim back and the door to the third room closes behind me.

Though I fear being lost in the dark waters of sadness and depression, I often long for the lonely room despite all its predators,………in the hope that I can cross it and perhaps this time enter The Third Room.

" Which of our favors will you deny" Surah Rahman