REPENTANCE: TO RETURN……….

“The tribulation for the seeker of the world (dunya) is the idling of his heart from the remembrance of  the Hereafter”

from: “The Treatise of the Seeker of Guidance” AL Muhasibi’s Risala al Mustarshidin

AT TAIBOON: GETTING PASSAGE INTO THE GARDENS

One of the Assets needed to make a trade to get the Gardens of Jannah is to become one of the At Taiboon, i.e . Those who return to Allah in repentance from their disobediences:

Remembrance of Allah with humility and repentance

Dua......supplication

No Exit on Judgment Day, so return to Allah now......

Istighfaar of Hazrat Younus in the belly of the Whale

WHITE FEAR……..AND MOTHERS AND THEIR CHILDREN

White fear permeating GAZA civilians

I am at a medical lecture. A surgeon has just returned from the border of GAZA, where he has been operating on civilians from GAZA.

He puts up a picture of the hospital people just sitting and waiting in the courtyard.  What is this I think, there is a war going on and people of the hospital are just lolling around? But before my judgmental self could go into high gear he explains:

“Patients are only brought when ceasefire occurs and it occurs only one to three hours every twenty-four hours”

I translate that into my mind……. cease fire, which means that not even patients are allowed to leave GAZA, unless in this uneven match the Israelis give permission to pause in the active process of a unilateral killing field…I think of the American TV commentator explaining why GAZA is being attacked: because Hamas has posted children and women on top of army installations……….and the sad commentary on the intellect of us Americans is that we may actually believe that.

I don’t want to second guess Allah Subhanawataala’s wisdom in this carnage……….but perhaps the hearts of his people have become so………HARD that he wants to show them some scenes of devastation in the hope that those hearts would soften with compassion………..perhaps.

A heart of stone

Another picture goes up, the surgeon is operating on some ones leg, all you can see is the stump of one leg which was amputated civil war style with a saw, and the other has a burn which has eaten up all except the bone. He continues:

“This is a phosphorus burn, (WHITE FEAR) he says and pauses……….as if recalling the horrific memory, the feeling of helplessness. A medical situation when even a well-equipped doctor cannot help a phosphorus burn because it continues to burn the flesh till nothing is left except the bone…………..”

I too pause and recall that use of white Phosphorus on civilians is a war crime……………visions of the Nuremberg trial appear, where the victims of those times are now the perpetrators of the present crime…

The surgeon continues…” Almost all the patients were women and children; there were a few elderly men and almost no young men”

I think of Tariq………..what happened to the young men……….I cannot even bear to think of it, this is no longer a medical lecture on the medical relief activities in the war on GAZA, but an hour of personal anguish………

I think of the mothers watching their young sons, being burnt to the bone, I hear their wails, their prayers to God…..asking Him to destroy the future generations of the Israelis and all those who help them, I see them pouring out their anguish to Him Subhanawataala cell by cell, their own hearts melting with pain like the flesh of their children melt with the white phosphorus………….

Can some one help…….they cry out and there is no answer, the powerful wait till the population of Gaza is burnt to the ground……………so that the Israelis can have their open-air cafes without fear of being bombed.

I am frozen in time, space and grief, I see the slide show changing, wound after wound being shown, the patients are all children they are alive and in pain……….I cannot hear him any longer.

He shows a picture of a seven-year-old girl with a huge gash sewed up in her thigh, from which he has removed a broken part of a rocket from an American gunship (given to Israel in its annual three billion dollar package)

a sterile image of the perpetrators

I am devastated as I see my tax money…being used to lodge pieces of rockets in the bodies of children condemning them to a life of legless ness.

and the end result is:

Burning alive

Will Allah Subhanawataala ever forgive me for this indirect participation, astighfirullah astighfirullah astighfirullah! I ask for forgiveness, He knows that I had no power over where my money is being sent.

Someone from the audience asks “why are the Jews of Israel maiming the children of GAZA?” what do they get out of it?”

I am surprised at the analytical American mind, which asked this question…….the answer however is an eye opener:

“ With the maiming of the young population of GAZA the Jews of Israel want to drain all the resources of the people there and make them completely dependant, exhausted and useless.” (Thus making slavery easier for the conquerors……….)

All I can say at that point is that on the Day of Judgment……….Allah Subhanawataala will not only question the Israeli and American Jews for methodically maiming the children of GAZA, but each person alive at this time in history will be asked” what did you do?”………………Including me.

What are we doing besides getting angry and using bad words for the perpetrators of this crime?
Is this softening our hearts with compassion?
Are we less attached now to things than the plight of people?
Has this impacted on the way we live, eat, drink and waste? Has this brought us closer to the fear and love of God?

I ask myself, how can help? How can I change myself towards taqwa? Do I know what Allah Subhanawataala says and enjoins for me in circumstances such as these?

Allah Subhanawataala has sent Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a mercy for mankind, and in his life and actions we can find inspiration, healing and solutions.

I realize that history repeats itself………….. Do I know the history of Islam? and do I know what did Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) do when faced with such a disaster…………I don’t know…… because there is a large void in my knowledge………………Do you know?

A Dua from Sheikh Alafasy

THE QUICKSAND OF LIFE: REFLECTIONS ON SURAH ZUMAR

I am in a retreat in Africa. The goal is to understand the Ikhlaas that Allah Subhanawataala requires from his ebad, which He (SWT) outlines in Surah Zumar. We have the honor of being taught by an Alima Sister H.

As Surah Zumar unfolds with its vivid examples of the two groups and how they are separated from each other, the majestic overpowering imagery, its offering of the fork in the road and the end result of each fork, I realize that I live in a forest of quicksand.
Beautiful flora and fauna, to whom I call out, to love me and pull me out of this quicksand of life, while they have no such power to do so, surround me.
Every attempt, every wiggle I make to change my environment sinks me deeper into the quicksand of life.

Allah Subhanawataala addresses RasoolAllah (pbuh) and us in Surah Zumar. He (SWT) clearly defines the choices we make in this world and what they will lead us to at the endpoint of our existence.

Zumar means “groups”, and Allah Subhanawataala describes two groups of people in this Surah, it is dizzying to realize how clearly the two groups are defined and how different they are from each other by just one defining character: IKHLAAS!
We either have ikhlaas or we don’t there are no grey zones or small amounts or degrees of ikhlaas.

As I listen to our Alima tafseering the Surah with explanations of hadith and different scholars, I realize that the endpoint of our existence in the Hereafter lies not in the wiggles we make to pull ourselves out of the quicksand of life nor does it lie within the power of the flora and fauna that surround us to help us reach our goal.

The only factor that matters is that each act of thinking or doing be purified with the water of Ikhlaas (sincerity).
It is the first day and more is yet to come…………….

Enough Is Enough After 23 Years Of Patient Instruction in Deen: 9:1-4

سُورَةُ التّوبَة

بَرَآءَةٌ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ إِلَى ٱلَّذِينَ عَـهَدتُّم مِّنَ ٱلمُشرِكِينَ (١) فَسِيحُواْ فِى ٱلأَرضِ أَربَعَةَ أَشہُرٍ وَٱعلَمُوٓاْ أَنَّكُم غَيرُ مُعجِزِى ٱللَّهِ وَأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ مُخزِى ٱلكَـفِرِينَ (٢) وَأَذَنٌ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ إِلَى ٱلنَّاسِ يَومَ ٱلحَجِّ ٱلبَرِ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَرِىٓءٌ مِّنَ ٱلمُشرِكِينَ وَرَسُولُهُ  فَإِن تُبتُم فَهُوَ خَيرٌ لَّم وَإِن تَوَلَّيتُم فَٱعلَمُوٓاْ أَنَّكُم غَيرُ مُعجِزِى ٱللَّهِ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ بِعَذَابٍ أَلِيمٍ (٣) إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ عَـهَدتُّم مِّنَ ٱلمُشرِكِينَ ثُمَّ لَم يَنقُصُوكُم شَيا وَلَم يُظَـهِرُواْ عَلَيكُم أَحَدًا فَأَتِمُّوٓاْ إِلَيهِم عَهدَهُم إِلَى مُدَّتِہِم إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلمُتَّقِينَ (٤)

Translation: (Quran Explorer):
Freedom from obligation (is proclaimed) from Allah and His messenger toward those of the idolaters with whom ye made a treaty. (1) Travel freely in the land four months, and know that ye cannot escape Allah and that Allah will confound the disbelievers (in His guidance). (2) And a proclamation from Allah and His messenger to all men on the day of the Greater Pilgrimage that Allah is free from obligation to the idolaters, and (so is) His messenger. So, if ye repent, it will be better for you; but if ye are averse, then know that ye cannot escape Allah. Give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom to those who disbelieve, (3) Excepting those of the idolaters with whom ye (Muslims) have a treaty, and who have since abated nothing of your right nor have supported anyone against you. (As for these), fulfill their treaty to them till their term. Lo! Allah loveth those who keep their duty (unto Him). (4)

TAFSEER BY FH

INTRODUCTION TO THE SURAH TAWBAH
Revealed at the end of the 9th Hijri, Surah Tawbah is one of the mighty seven Surah’s of the Quran.
It refers to several of the Battles between the Muslims and Kaffar. The first battle for the Muslims was the Battle of Badr (300 muslims participated) mentioned in Surah Al Anfal and this surah (Tawbah) deals with the Ghazwa of Tabook. (3000 Muslims participated).

The title of the surah means “repentance or return to Allah and to ask for forgiveness of our sins”.
“Returning to Allah”, has been mentioned 17 times in this Surah, 13 times in Surah Baqarah and 12 times in Surah Nisa.

All the idolaters, hypocrites and all disbelievers are invited to repent in this surah.

Early ayahs in this surah reflect the end of the grace period with the idolaters and Allah Subhanwataala firmly gives them notice after canceling all previous treaties.

This is the only surah that does not begin with Bismillah.

Ayahs 1-37 were revealed all at one time.

BACKGROUND:
TREATIES MADE AND BROKEN BY THE DISBELIEVERS (Kaffaar)
In the 6th year of Hijri Rasool Allah PBUHset out to perform Hajj. The idolaters (kaffaar) prevented him and the accompanying Muslims from performing Hajj. At this time the pact of Hudaibiyah was made. The crux of which was: ” no wars for 10 years” This treaty was violated by the kaffar within two years of being signed upon by the Muslims and Kaffaar.
There were two tribes who amongst others were included in this treaty. The tribe of Khuza’a was with Muslims and the tribe of Banu Bakr was with the Quraish. These two tribes were at odds with each other.

Banu Bakr attacked Khuza’a and killed them mercilessly and pursued them when they sought sanctuary in the Haraam and killed them there. Only 40 members of the tribe of Khuza’a survived and returned to Prophet Muhammad PBUH to tell of the carnage.

RELEASE FROM OPPRESSION AND THE VICTORY OF MECCA
The treaty of Hudaibiya was thus openly violated by the kaffaar, with no retribution for the violators. Thus Prophet Muhammad quietly prepared for the onslaught on Mecca. Mecca was won without shedding blood in 8th Hijri in Ramadan.

After the victory of Mecca. Muslims then won over Hunayn and Taif, and by that time the timing for Hajj was over.

Thus in the hajj of 8th Hijri Muslims and idolaters did Hajj together.  The disbelievers violating all decency continued to do tawaf (circambulation around the Kaaba) in a state of nakedness.

Abu Bakr (RA) was sent to Mecca as Amir e Hajj in the 9th Hijri. Surah tawbah was revealed after he had left for Hajj. Thus Ali RA was sent to recite these ayahs and give the proclamations resulting from it at the time of Hajj.

He announced this proclamation on 10 Zilhij . On this date the most manasik of Hajj are performed and this a time when most people are present in one place in Mecca. Thus an announcement made at this time spread to everyone.

THE PROCLAMATION OF THE AYAHS OF SURAH TAWBAH
These ayahs of surah Tauba (1-37) in their proclamation cancel all previous pacts and treaties between Muslims and disbelievers and put the munafiqueen (hypocrites) on notice.

PUTTING THE DISBELIEVERS & HYPOCRITES ON NOTICE
The Surah begins as:
This is a Baraa’et, which is a word that comes from: Al Burr ohu which means ” to release oneself from a makkrooh act”.

THE PROCLAMATION MADE IN THE ADVENT OF THE SURAH
This ayah proclaims that all relationships, pacts and treaties with the disbelievers are hereby invalided and this is a proclamation from Allah and His Rasool (PBUH) for those people with whom Muslims made pact and treaties.Now all treaties are dissolvedand declared null and void  publicly. (some exceptions are given later)

THE PROCLAMATION MADE AT HAJJ (9TH HIJRI) COMMANDED IN SURAH TAWBAH
Ali RA was asked later, ” What were you sent to announce?” He said I was asked to make four announcements:

1.    No person will do tawaf in the state of nakedness
2.    The Kaffaar with whom Rasool Allah PBUH made a treaty of peace which the Kaffaar have not broken still       stands for its term.
3.    For those with whom Muslims have no treaty they have four months to either take learn about the One God and take shahada, become Muslims and go to jannah or leave Mecca.
4.    After this year Muslims and Mushriks (disbelievers) will not be allowed to gather in Mecca for Hajj together. Arabia with Kaaba as a center will from here on be a pure and paak place for the believers.( to live in and worship)

To be continued……………..

If I have written anything good it is from Allah, if I have made any mistakes they are from the Whisperings of Shaitan and my lower Nafs.

I ask Allah subhanwataala to forgive me for my mistakes and guide me to only say, write and do what He wills. Ameen

WHAT IS SALAAT-E-AWWABEEN?

Please check this site, for an excellent description:

http://www.geocities.com/mutmainaa3/prayer/diff_optional_prayers.html

If you have trouble opening, let me know.

SALAAT-E- AWWABEEN

It is Maghrib, the changing of the guard; the day angels are departing, the night ones are standing in the wings to take over. Just like the sign out session by the residents in the hospital, each patient is carefully signed out in detail. Perhaps my day angel is signing me out to my night one too. I feel cherished and protected.

The gas lamps at the Hateem have been lit, the blazing field lights of the Haram that turn night into day are not yet turned on. The gentleness of the red sky over the scattered homes over the hill can be felt from across the Haram. I feel no connection to the world out there. Here in the courtyard of Allah’s House I am safe, and time is of no consequence except for the time of salaat.

We have completed our salaat al Maghrib with all the thousands of muslims in the Haram, and yet it feels that He (SWT) was particularly attentive to me. Waiting for me to do more. Why I do not know.

My companion on this Ummrah is Haifa. She says in her usual gentle manner, a question urging you into action. “ Would you like to pray Salaat-e Awwabeen?” I am immediately ready. We are in the women’s section immediately behind the Muqaam e Ibrahim, and we begin our Salaat e Awwabeen, or the Salaat to return to Allah subhanwa taala. With each sajda we take another baby step returning back towards Allah subhanawataala.

Usually I am impatient for results, I want Him to do things quickly, but this evening the prayer is sweet and the destination sweeter. I am patient, I am in front of the Kaaba, the Muqaam e Ibrahim marked by a golden grilled structure stands between me and the Kaaba. Here is where the Khaleel (friend) of Allah once stood. The night is swirling its dark cloak around me gently and protectively, calling me to return to Allah.

It is maghrib again and I am home, thousands of miles away from the House of my Lord. This evening I am going to perform my salaat al Maghrib like Imam Malik. He was very fastidious and his preparations for prayer entailed a personal preparation as well as preparation of the ambience. He would after wudu. dress in clean crisp clothes and put on perfume and light the incense sticks to ready himself for his salaat and to relate the Hadith. He felt that when such beautiful words were related, the environment had to reflect the beauty of the words in every sense.

I don’t have incense handy so I light my scented candle and let the pink glow of the sunset fill the room, As I finish my salaat al Maghrib, I see the dancing shadows on my musallah created by the flame of the candle as the room darkens.

I never leave the musallah as the night darkens and the candle spreads it flickering light scented with a scent of some exotic flower, I decide to return to my Lord and begin my Salaat e Awwabeen. In the fading light I feel Him (SWT) waiting patiently and with affection as I start my journey back to Him.

THE BRIDGE

DEDICATION: This post is dedicated to all those who are struggling with grief, may Allah place a balm on their hearts and give them strength and istiqamat in their struggle to be sabir:

The early days after Tariq died are as clear to me as if it happened yesterday. I can remember going to an Islamic retreat in search of a panacea for my pain. I also remember the first few days when I did get out of bed and go to work and grappled with what life has dealt me:

I have been pushed forward to the edge of the cliff, blinded by tears and grief, I look down, the raging inferno of unfathomable pain extends in the pit below me. One more stumbling step and I will be hurtling down into its unknown depths. I pause.

I have been told that The Pul- e -Siraat is a slim bridge made of a tight rope stretched over the fire of Hell, that each one of us will have to walk on, to get to the other side wherein lie the gardens of Paradise (jannah). We will be surrounded by darkness, and each of our steps will be guided by light that we earned in this life. The light comes from reading Surah Kahf on Fridays, from our good actions and reading and implementing the Quran and Sunnah in our lives.Today when I look ahead I do not see the gardens of Jannah. I see the pit of fire and pain that I am about to step into, somehow I have to cross this pit of grief without falling into it irrevocably.

A relative stranger that I met at a retreat has sent me a book of duas. It is a book of duas for every possible event in your life. I open it and peruse the contents. Some of the duas are familiar that we are used to rattling off without much thought and some are unfamiliar. Someone has thrown me a rope that stretches across the pit of the fire of grief. It is my own personal bridge made of a tight rope to cross my own personal fiery pit of grief. I must accept it or remain in the fire continuously, or perish painfully.

The usual whisperings enter my thought processes. :” How can reading a few duas going to get you across this pit of fire?” and then Sheikh Magroubi saying about the morning adkaars “ fake it till you make it” I force myself to open the book.

It is fajr. I have never been a morning person, yet I have forced myself to awaken, long before fajr for a leisurely wudu and then readiness for fajr when the moment begins. I want to experience the change of the guard of the angels. I want the message to be taken up by the departing angels of the night as well as the incoming angels of the day. I need both the groups of the angels to take my messages up to Allah SWT, I need all His (SWT) attention every bit of it, for in front of me is the raging fire of grief, and behind me is the pitch darkness of “the event”. I need a bridge, and I don’t even know if I want the bridge or not, but I want to ask for His (SWT) help to relieve me of this never ending pain, when I have His (SWT) ear.

I have learnt that when I ask for help, Allah SWT sends help from strange and unusual quarters and I have to pay attention and accept that help as it is actually coming from Allah via my fellow human beings.

I open this book and start with the duas read in the morning, then I read the duas for “Huzn” or grief, then I read the ones on illnesses of the heart and I pause with surprise; it says that the remedy of ninety nine illnesses is in repeating “la howla wala quwata illa billa alayul azeem” and the least of those illnesses is grief.I am frozen in time, it is morning, sleep is still in my eyes and my father is reciting loudly and repeatedly in a sing song manner “la howla wa la………………..” Was he striken with Huzn or sadness, is that why he recited that in the mornings, was there a loss in his life that he was grieving for that he did not share with us, but turned to His Lord?

I continue to read, recite the Arabic dua and then the Urdu meaning, stopping for a few seconds in-between to let it sink into the atmosphere and me and for the angels to note it down.I keep on, steadily ignoring the whisperings of the Shaitan.Gradually I feel the balm of ease spreading on my heart…….., I see the daylight spreading from the east and with that I find I myself balanced on the bridge, a tight rope making my way across the pit of the fire of grief. I know that I must not look down, nor should I let go of the light of my dhikr for long.

I get dressed and get in the car to go to work, right next to mine is Tariq’s baby blue car sitting quietly draped in the soft cover awaiting its owner. I feel the heat of the fire of grief seething around me; I grab the tasbeeh hanging from my rearview mirror and repeat what my friend in South Africa had taught me:“ Atighfiruka wa atubu alaik, La takne tu mer Rahmatulllah” reversing the car out of the garage, tasbeeh in hand repeating the briefest of Astighfaars, and reminding myself never to be despondent of the mercy of Allah, till I finish the circle of a hundred.

Having done that, I feel stable, grief seeping out of my heart like pus being released by incision and drainage. Once again I am balanced, walking, one step at a time on the bridge……………..very carefully, keeping my head up and my rope of Dhikr held tight, continuously connected with Allah SWT.

Thus is life after Tariq, one step at a time…………….

TODAY IS ARAFAH

We are at Arafah! The bus has stopped. There is a flurry of activity. We need to find our tent, and figure out what to do next. It feels like the middle of the night, and feels chilly in the desert. We stumble in the dark, and find our tent; exhaustion mixed with a sober anticipation of things to come freezes all thoughts.
Wudu and prayer is the first order of the morning. Wudu in the desert is a challenge even though there is a ladies restroom with running water and a 24/7 cleaning staff.
I have a sudden appreciation of the depth of Allah Subhana wa taala’s love for Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his beloved wife Ayesha (RA) He SWT revealed the ayahs on Tayammum (dry ablution) to make it easy on them and their companions to perform salaat in the desert.
After fajr, I begin my morning Dhikr, but my eyes are laden with sleep as if someone has injected me with a soporific. I fall over into a dead sleep in my sleeping bag. At the edge of my consciousness, I realize that Victoria has awakened and left the tent and others have awakened. I try to open my eyes but not only it is a soporific that is affecting me but I also feel that a muscle paralyzing agent is working on my muscles, I cannot move. Twice someone awakens me and I sit up but fall back into sleep.
I vaguely recall from my Hajj preparation CDs that Shaitan does not want you to repent at Arafah for then he loses all the work he has done on that person in the past. Perhaps I had heard it on Mokhtar Magroubi’s CD on ‘the inner dimensions of Hajj’ or read it somewhere. Intellectually I am vaguely aware that Shaitan and my Nafs have me imprisoned in the excuse of sleep. Practically the mist of sleep is like a drug for unconsciousness. Time is passing, it is now middle of the morning, and I am still in a state of sleep paralysis.
I feel someone kick my leg and shake me, “get up! Shaitaan has got you! we have already been to the Jabal e Rahma, it is beautiful, don’t you want to see it? It is Victoria, my friend, my companion in Hajj, always looking out for me.
Jabal e Rahma …….my brain registers, the place where our father Adam (AS) and our mother Hawwa (Eve) (AS) met after roaming around this earth and seeking each other after banishment from jannah. Ah yes……….. Being the romantic that I am, I want to see the place where love bloomed and our lineage began.
I sit up and try to shake out the sleep and muscle paralysis from my limbs to no avail. As if in a flash I realize, this is not tiredness from exhaustion, this is the age-old tug of war between shaitan aided by my Nafs and my Fitra of purity connected to the love of Allah.
I push away the sleeping bag and stand up in one movement and head towards the rest rooms. I am looking for the sobering splash of cold water, a refreshing wudu to banish this imprisonment by the evil forces.
Shireen and I meet up with another companion who serves as our guide. We hike towards Jabal e Rahma, and as we look across from our hill towards the Jabal e Rahma, it is dotted with white specks. Countless Hajjis in white Ihrams standing on the Jabal e Rahma in prayer, asking Allah for His mercy.
We return to the plain of Arafah and after Dhuhr, I read my book on Istighfaar, but not really connecting with the words. The mental barricades are up. There is static in my phone line to Allah SWT and time is running out.
All my companions have disappeared, they have sought their private spaces in which to stand and seek tauba (repentance) from Allah. I am still at sea, lost, and unguided how to begin and where to begin. I pray a few more supplications but I cannot even pretend that they are from the heart, Asr comes and goes like a polite visitor, and I set out to find myself a spot. On this vast plain of Arafah, there is no private spot. Every inch seems to be packed with hajjis. I look around, everyone is standing in supplication and as I pass by them, they do not even know I am there.
I find a short wall of stones, with the tent to my left and a tree to my right and all the Hajis dotted at intervals behind me. I stand in silence. Suddenly the flood gates of patience break, the barricades of superficial self defense crumble and the dammed water of anger, pain, sadness, recriminations, regret, anguish, loss, and mistakes gushes out with such a force that I think it gets His (SWT) attention and He (SWT) stops to listen……..I am crying? Yes I am! I am now talking to him directly, the lines are open and he can hear me loud and clear.
“My child you took my child……. My mother ……..”, I go on and on, my one sided soliloquy is with Him and Him alone. I sense His complete attention, He is listening patiently, He does not interrupt me He does not offer solace, nor comfort, nor explanation. As the evening moves forward to meet its night visitor, I feel His (SWT) formless, wordless answers enter and settle into my heart one by one bringing with them comfort, solace, retreat, and a weightlessness. I am spent!
I look around. All the people around me have disappeared and Maghrib is at hand. I go in search for my companions; we have to leave for Muzdalifa, to sleep in relief under the stars, as the Prophet (PBUH) did.
I pause and think of The man (PBUH) whose only thought was submission to Allah. He too stood here and begged Him (SWT) for acceptance of tauba from his Ummah for all the generations to come to Arafah. Love and a profound respect enter my heart, love for a man who wept and prayed for his (PBUH) Ummah and that includes me. Right here! I am truly humbled.

Somewhere on the plain of Arafah, there is a rectangle of sand soaked with my tears, where I left my regrets, my recriminations and my sins, with a supplication that they never be reclaimed.

Continued in………….TODAY IS EID UL ADHA 

THE DAY BEFORE ARAFAH

I am homesick for Hajj, and yet I am not there this year so I close my eyes………..and I am there.
I am in Mina the tent city outside Mecca. It is night and we are packing to go to Arafat. My companions and I have been told to leave every ‘non-essential” behind. I do not know what is essential for others, but I pocket my dua book of istighfaar, a toothbrush and toothpaste, (I want the prayers to come out of a clean & fresh mouth) some dry cookies, a bar of chocolate for Shireen & me and my sleeping bag. It is amazing how little one needs in actuality.
I step out of my tent to refresh my wudu before travel. The camp is ablaze with lights and a suppressed feeling of excitement. We are going to Arafat! Everyone wants to know which bus will we be on and what time it will leave.
We stand in a fakely lit environment. As I turn right from my tent, suddenly the sounds and lights of the camp recede. Faraway I see the torchlights dotting the hills marking the locations of the tents, which are barely visible. Maghrib is fading and the night of the desert has taken a velvety tranquil hold.
Once upon a time, out there somewhere in one of the tents on the hillside was Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings upon him with his uncle. As night fell and the pilgrims from Mecca, Medina and far away places fell asleep, few young men from medina steal into the night, to a meeting place with Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.
They are going to ask him (PBUH) to migrate to Medina and give him (PBUH) their pledge of protection the same pledge that they give their family members. The pledge to die protecting his (PBUH) life, property and honor.
In the tent Prophet Muhammad looks at the young faces, none of them is a day older than twenty-five. His uncle who has accompanied him (PBUH) fears for his nephew and thinks that this is young blood making a pledge in the heat of youth, which might be squelched by the elders.
The meeting continues, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) agreeing to migrate and the young men from Medina offering to take him with them now. He says if he goes with them now, there will be resistance from the tribes of Mecca and perhaps bloodshed. The young men from Medina, their faces idealistic, and stern with the resolve of protecting the Prophet (PBUH) pull out their swords and promise to kill every and anyone who stands to harm him (PBUH).
Prophet Muhammad’s (peace and blessings upon him) reply answers my query as to why he has been sent as a mercy not just for Muslims but also as a mercy to mankind.
He says ‘we have not been commanded by Allah SWT to do so’ (i.e.) be the oppressor. They accept his decision and then ask him “if you migrate and we give you our loyalty and protection, when things get better in Mecca will you leave us and return to Mecca?”
He (PBUH) gives them his word………and thus after his Hijra, though he loved and longed for Mecca he never went back to live there permanently, ever! He could have done so after the victory of Mecca. The young men return to their tents and wait patiently for the right time and his signal.
My reverie is broken by my mahram and the need to get in line for the bus to Arafat.
I am on the bus, the dark cloak of night has fallen around me, I peer out of the window trying to see where I am going, looking for signs, I see none.
Slowly as the bus progresses towards its destination I look out of the window and see the road filled with cars, trucks, and vans packed to the gills with men, women and children. Some sitting on the roofs of buses and trucks. Some walking in the dark, all going in one direction. Towards Arafat…to make their final plea before Allah subhanawataala, telling him all that is bad within them and asking Him (SWT) to wash it off and give them another chance. I am overcome with the enormity of the task that lies ahead. From here on it is “every person for himself….. before Allah!”
I am trying not to think of what I am going to say when I get there. The promise of the beneficence of Allah that he will expatiate all my past sins is dependant on how much I can bare my soul and if I can be honest and sincere in my repentance.
I will have to stand at Arafat, and bare myself to Him, become soul naked, stripped to the inner self with everything and all exposed to Him (SWT) before I can repent.
I can feel my reservations and denial setting up barricades to the baring of the soul. I am not such a bad person, my nafs whispers to me. My method of dealing with this for now is that I try not to think of what I have to do. I sort of doze off, pulling myself into a twilight zone. I am neither awake nor asleep, neither thinking nor resting.
The bus travels for eons I feel, hurtling towards my final destination. I no longer have control over my destiny, there is no past, no future and in the state I am in, no present……….my last conscious thought is that I will think about it when I get there.

Continued in……………. TODAY IS ARAFAH